Gaining or Losing - Day Eighteen

I remember a quote by John Lennon, "the more real you become, the more unreal the world becomes." I am inside that at the moment, for reasons of commonality with others. Sometimes we are looking for things to agree on, to appease each other and show support, but sometimes you have to exit this scenario and be who you are, to not put on a facade. I think I have a lot of inadequacies in this department, and I want to say it's because I am a late bloomer in understanding the ego versus selflessness, or going out of my way to be hospitable to people who could care less. I am just reminded that other people that I would fear because I am disturbed to be manipulated most of the time are coming clean that their behaviors weren't healthy, and I was a victim of being used in such a way, that my hospitality was being an enabler to their vices and what vices do I have and why do I need them. In laying down this argument, I am getting into the teachings of Jesus and letting go of people who plot and scheme wicked things. After the age of thirty it has been dwindling away to have the kinda excitement for some fun, to even stay up that late. I was never an addict, but four years ago I stopped consuming alcohol, making it maybe four times a year. My mental illness did not allow being hindered in anyway from any chemicals that excite the brain, except coffee of course. I can't seem to let go of coffee.

What I am getting at is that I have a more grounded approach and I feel the benefits of it while driving around or seeing young kids hanging out that I am their elder, that I have been through that, and it was a confusing time and if I had a child it would be totally different for them. I've thought of my ideas in being a teacher to the youth, from the lessons I had in life and in college, I would run them through those stages quickly, as a tutor. What I wish that I had or what I missed out on, is the idea of having friendships in my locality with people. Now I can say a lot of people are in a rat race and I am not participating in that because it put a spell on me before and it was a struggle to get away from it. So maybe in exclusion I can say, I am avoiding this drama, this state of existence and I have my eyes out for competency. That I need a stable word or two now and again when leaving the home to have my reality check with the society I live in and there is enough people offering their presence throughout this village and that is something to go on. That there is a sense of control and I am not obligated to help in it, it is there to appreciate.

In short all I ask forgiveness for myself from is not understanding that this was offered to me before, I had it, but I lost it to my madness with schizophrenia and it's time to let go in thinking of myself as a catalyst affecting that many people. It's delusional for me to pretend I am having that much impact on the life around me and that this meddling with being over controlling isn't healthy, and what else, is being selfless, offering kindness when other people don't care.

Everybody Hurts, Sometimes - Day Seventeen

It's been a while since I have really said much about what is going on in my house. After doing this blog I fell apart and didn't even attempt to understand much about the group Desteni, and the reason being, I dealt with my roommate's addiction full on. It was bitter at times, with ultimatums and meeting with professionals in the addiction field.  I felt like I don't have to live this way, put up with this and so forth as it got so bitter. After attempting group therapy and counselors my roommate still wouldn't be honest, wouldn't trust the people attempting to help him work through this, and the way it stopped, is not what you would think. A drug that a psychiatric professional gave him called Seroquel. It ended shortly after treatment, so I can't honestly say anything bad about medications. If it works it works and the only thing we'd have to weigh is if it dramatically affected his personality or hindered him in anyway and it doesn't. So there you have it, a magic bullet. A lot of unnecessary involvement with professionals but I can't say it was wasted because he did say he felt he was working on being a better person, getting through some of the traumatic experiences he had in childhood.

With that being said, I was ruthless and critical, the addiction drove me insane, to be in the position I was in, with this power struggle at enabling, helping, reinforcing techniques that I fell into. I need my forgiveness from those harsh words that came out of me at someone I consider my friend. Addiction is one of the worst things in this world. It has taken so many victims and it's because when it comes to what you value, you will push everyone you know away and burn bridges quickly, with no consideration for the feelings of the others.

I can say I have a new independence from this, that I have sorted out inadequacies in myself that allow me to say, "I know how to live on my own if it comes to that."

So in short, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed harsh, psycho insults come out of my mouth, that I have been hostile and aggravated, that I fought this battle with addiction even though it wasn't me in the abuse pattern.

Thank you.

Gifted and Lonely - Day Sixteen

I know this is the eve of the presidential election but I caught myself in tune with reflecting over my past, like there must be something I could do besides being patient for something I am unclear on. I had this foggy notion that love carried a great weight with it and the people I knew would always understand I remember them and what they are up to. Previously when I wrote in this template it was of a questioning and future pointing construct in my mind to try and rationalize what made me the most blind, and I don't feel blind at the moment. I feel like being loved is important, that I won't find that with a shrink or therapist and that I am too chaotic for normal people to understand how to talk with me. Reminiscing carries a certain fragrance to it, like once feeling alive, and somehow strange octopuses came from the sky and started infiltrating all the people I cared about to have some kind of Borg mentality, controlled by something I didn't fully grasp. I heard this song about a machine that runs on gasoline to describe an individual that obviously doesn't have the full cared for scenario of people in their life and I wonder what is in my power to do to build a better future for myself.

Agoraphobia - Day Fifteen

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.


I wanted to discuss my negative emotions versus the positive feelings of hope to resist these certain fears that I have often gone through when leaving my house. It seems insane to believe that many people suffer from this in one way or another or on a spectrum of how much pressure is on any individual to leave their house to an uncomfortable situation. The problem is that I have exuberant feelings to tackle things outside of my house but the emotions and irrational fear come in that I am comfortable just the way I am in my house and it's not that important. It's made me not participate in important events within my family to taking certain steps towards a better future and I am constantly reminded that my sense of freedom is undermined by this fear that comes over me that I have left the house, the animals aren't safe, my partner isn't safe, I am not safe, when away.

It feels dumb to be so crippled by this sense of fear and it has shaped the things I do and memories of the things I remembered doing years ago without such restraint. I'd often go to parks and scenic areas to enjoy some time in nature, but it's become so compelling to not do those things and stay put. That I have grown even more cozy with the idea of not leaving the house and that it is almost the end of summer here and I haven't taken a vacation or done anything necessary to enjoy the time.

I want to forgive myself for these fears and try and reclaim my life to do things as I please and go see nature and drive places again, or even take a plane at some point to visit my sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so comfortable in my house, to let fears get the best of me, to constantly worry about all the variables involved in leaving my front door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed irrational emotions and fears to rule my life, that bad things were going to happen and the more likely it would occur the longer I was away from my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that snipers and mass shootings were going to be after me like I was the target for so many things, that I didn't want to risk it, as if I needed bodyguards to protect me going to the grocery store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I have not done things like show up and participate in important events for my nephews and niece and that it's so complicated for me to coordinate leaving my house and I have to know so many details in order to just feel safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my dogs for a walk when they really needed to get out of the house and explore. That I have been bad at being their human parent for their curiosity about what's beyond the house and yard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these fears to take so much control over whether I am going to take care of something, if I am going to take my partner, or if it's more convenient for me to go alone so I can get my groceries or supplies quickly and not be seen by anyone.

Thank you.

Recovery - Day Fourteen

I've recollected my thoughts, maybe grounded myself a little bit more, and have to address this, that recovery isn't easy for my partner, to the point that I have decided to take a class for it. There has been periods where this problem didn't exist, but when he is pressured as in doing out-patient treatment, than all the sudden the seduction becomes more enticing to skip class and to relapse. It has driven me insane at times that it all depends on him applying himself, when in the case he isn't working on it, why should I just be ignorant to the problem. I made some phone calls and figured a way for me to take a separate class that he wouldn't want to take. It just reached a point where I am not going to stand idly by and see if he sabotages himself or succeeds and I realized something last night. That the application of self to writing and attending class can be pressured on him by me, that if I state the facts in a rational way it provokes serious rage in him that he has to face this problem or fall apart to it, and luckily that initial prodding of his behavior didn't drive him over the wall and I was able to facilitate his struggle into ways that he may have ignored last night but had to have sunk in by now.

The realization of me being an enabler of this, that when he puts the pressure on me, I blow up and figure he is going to bother me until he gets his way is what I need to fix. That I can't be lazy about this, this has become a monstrous problem and I have to apply my skills at breaking this down and getting him to apply himself to writing, to doing work on his computer, to read the books that were given to him. The counselors he has met that facilitate his group he likes, he likes what they gave him to look at and the only problem is that they weren't as encouraging as needed for him to attend every time bracket he signed up for. Somehow I have to take up this slack and guide him. You can bring a horse to water but can't force them to drink, but maybe if I wasn't uneducated in what is going on in these classes, I could take a different role with this elephant in the room.

I am asking myself forgiveness for all the behaviors that I have done that have enabled him or made him disinterested in achieving this goal, that he can face and solve his problems on his own, provided that he have a support team that wants him to be successful which includes me as a big character in his life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be neutral, enabling, defeatist in the face of his determination to relapse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this problem to get way out of hand, that I need to pull it in, closer to Earth, that he can't float around not knowing all the people he sees really want him to succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this rage in me to go beyond my limits, that with any pressure on me, I blew up and gave in to him relapsing, that it infuriates me and I can't rationalize these emotions and say what's right at those moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that every time I knew what to say it was at the worst time, that I need to step back and be smart about when to say the right thing and when not to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy to this problem, that I could have tackled it better before had I known the extent of what I was dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate in response to this growing dilemma instead of thinking of some more smart choices, choices to educate myself, to go through the material he has with him and to take on other materials just for my self-knowledge.

Thank you.

Gifts and Deficits - Day Thirteen

I had a delay but it was because I was dealing with a personal disappointment, but now that it is over I have a topic fresh in my mind that I could cover. It's two ends of a spectrum that I would call <put together vs being a mess> or even <on the surface vs underground>. In all these personal battles I have had with my partner there is a time for everything. What I know to be right is to build on the positives, create a better reality by promoting the gifts of another over criticizing their faults. To me it is personal with this mental illness hovering about me that some doctors before medications called "writhing in agony" that it was an idea for every time I become a mess with myself, a problem has arisen, something I couldn't foresee and this makes it much more easier to see faults and disappointment and focus on criticizing myself and others for these deficits. In a moment of giving advice I realize the term put yourself together was what I needed to hear but didn't know that every time I put myself together I am on the surface, I am capable of being of assistance, and slowly with enough practice that is my advice. Rationalize your issues, put them in perspective and move on. It wasn't easy to get there and I see it in some of the groups that people are truly suffering with nothing to grab hold of, and it's hard to explain what they need to do to get it together because it's real, the pain is real.

With my partner I want to get across that I am going to promote the best, that I want to congratulate them on a job well done, or doing a program to make them a better person. But when they fall apart, it could ricochet for me to fall apart and quickly go back underground where there is no light to show the way out and you have to again struggle and fight just to get back to where you were, but I realize with practice it gets easier and the problems and issues we had get explained. In considering others that don't deal with this, they have a hardwired purpose about their way, and for us that have questioned ourselves we don't claim we know the best purpose, it's more like an evolving situation that we can witness and even participate in by watching the flow that humanity is going which is better than going to them and claiming something that is a foretold notion or anything that can be perceived as crazy, so most people understand to keep it to themselves. So this is about the struggle, the grabbing hold of real things, tangible things to stay on top of yourself, that I have to forgive myself the trouble it caused to undermine the stability of my partner and myself for this critique of deficits and faults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed you to think I was giving up on you when actually I have nothing better to do than wait for you to stand on your own feet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hostile angry shouting to come out of me at everything I deemed wrong and not smart, that I get too involved and that my feelings are less important because I am more adaptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I am capable of making irrational decisions, that I don't have it all together myself, and that I can use my knowledge as ammunition, when actually I am trying to be encouraging, it's just not the appropriate time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient, that I have thought how life is easier when I am thinking only about myself. There is nothing that demanding that I would leave anyone behind, but as the walk of nature, there is things that I am not going to dive into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that my advice was better than people trained academically in addiction recovery. That I felt I had a better grasp of what to do before doing some research to understand it's a long term problem that won't be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that at times it feels like I am performing a long term assisted suicide that could be twenty years. That it was so grim it felt like that was the goal was to just feel hopeless there was a future to believe in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my temper and my blood to boil over things that my partner had to do on their own, that even if I could assist, they would have to do some personal work on their own to even get to a better position. That doing things for the other person is the wrong approach and that I have got to live by example and show the way out with how I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress into the critical mode, instead of encouraging the positive gifts and attributes of my partner and myself.

Thank you.

Anxiety - Day Twelve

I am striving for a state of nothingness, a completion of my meditative states. There is a lot of reasons for my mind to be chaotic right now, but I have learned lessons in the past about how to fight against the forces that once destabilized me. With enough practice I could be very good at it, but also like my skin has thickened and my head less agile with newer information. It's a gamble I'm willing to take because I am done feeling fleeting or unstable. The way to create a head without noise seems to involve changing some habits that I have done for too long, and it definitely has a lot to do with my love of music, and I have a newer solution to stop that dragging on for hours on end, and it has to do with information and film, to help divert myself. Many years ago we ditched our television set because it gave me a headache and now it's easier to pull up specific things to watch that match your interests. I'd say that since absorbing myself in some films and newer ideas for conversations and documentaries I don't feel pressured by anything except realizing that this is the way out. That the collective knowledge of our prominent intellectuals is helping this hypnosis go away and that is probably the only way we have at stopping this manufactured consent for anything that doesn't serve our interests or the planet's sustainability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be on cruise control with the flow of the people around me. That I didn't immediately know, or have a briefing society was mixed up and that I'd have to find a route out and that it's not as bad as it seems. The environment is not meant to be exploited and it can't sustain it, but in my particular realm I have done little to aid those in exploiting resources and human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that some methods of hypnosis were Ok. I felt mildly entertained and that it was harmless instead of diligently reading information to say, I am apart of the solution and not the problem. I can do what I can to help, I can exit my own programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I could have been spellbound, in ways I didn't understand and only through awareness of this could I overcome it. The awareness definitely comes from support but also research, though it's almost necessary to have peer support around so you know you aren't the only one.

Thank you.