Gaining or Losing - Day Eighteen

I remember a quote by John Lennon, "the more real you become, the more unreal the world becomes." I am inside that at the moment, for reasons of commonality with others. Sometimes we are looking for things to agree on, to appease each other and show support, but sometimes you have to exit this scenario and be who you are, to not put on a facade. I think I have a lot of inadequacies in this department, and I want to say it's because I am a late bloomer in understanding the ego versus selflessness, or going out of my way to be hospitable to people who could care less. I am just reminded that other people that I would fear because I am disturbed to be manipulated most of the time are coming clean that their behaviors weren't healthy, and I was a victim of being used in such a way, that my hospitality was being an enabler to their vices and what vices do I have and why do I need them. In laying down this argument, I am getting into the teachings of Jesus and letting go of people who plot and scheme wicked things. After the age of thirty it has been dwindling away to have the kinda excitement for some fun, to even stay up that late. I was never an addict, but four years ago I stopped consuming alcohol, making it maybe four times a year. My mental illness did not allow being hindered in anyway from any chemicals that excite the brain, except coffee of course. I can't seem to let go of coffee.

What I am getting at is that I have a more grounded approach and I feel the benefits of it while driving around or seeing young kids hanging out that I am their elder, that I have been through that, and it was a confusing time and if I had a child it would be totally different for them. I've thought of my ideas in being a teacher to the youth, from the lessons I had in life and in college, I would run them through those stages quickly, as a tutor. What I wish that I had or what I missed out on, is the idea of having friendships in my locality with people. Now I can say a lot of people are in a rat race and I am not participating in that because it put a spell on me before and it was a struggle to get away from it. So maybe in exclusion I can say, I am avoiding this drama, this state of existence and I have my eyes out for competency. That I need a stable word or two now and again when leaving the home to have my reality check with the society I live in and there is enough people offering their presence throughout this village and that is something to go on. That there is a sense of control and I am not obligated to help in it, it is there to appreciate.

In short all I ask forgiveness for myself from is not understanding that this was offered to me before, I had it, but I lost it to my madness with schizophrenia and it's time to let go in thinking of myself as a catalyst affecting that many people. It's delusional for me to pretend I am having that much impact on the life around me and that this meddling with being over controlling isn't healthy, and what else, is being selfless, offering kindness when other people don't care.

Everybody Hurts, Sometimes - Day Seventeen

It's been a while since I have really said much about what is going on in my house. After doing this blog I fell apart and didn't even attempt to understand much about the group Desteni, and the reason being, I dealt with my roommate's addiction full on. It was bitter at times, with ultimatums and meeting with professionals in the addiction field.  I felt like I don't have to live this way, put up with this and so forth as it got so bitter. After attempting group therapy and counselors my roommate still wouldn't be honest, wouldn't trust the people attempting to help him work through this, and the way it stopped, is not what you would think. A drug that a psychiatric professional gave him called Seroquel. It ended shortly after treatment, so I can't honestly say anything bad about medications. If it works it works and the only thing we'd have to weigh is if it dramatically affected his personality or hindered him in anyway and it doesn't. So there you have it, a magic bullet. A lot of unnecessary involvement with professionals but I can't say it was wasted because he did say he felt he was working on being a better person, getting through some of the traumatic experiences he had in childhood.

With that being said, I was ruthless and critical, the addiction drove me insane, to be in the position I was in, with this power struggle at enabling, helping, reinforcing techniques that I fell into. I need my forgiveness from those harsh words that came out of me at someone I consider my friend. Addiction is one of the worst things in this world. It has taken so many victims and it's because when it comes to what you value, you will push everyone you know away and burn bridges quickly, with no consideration for the feelings of the others.

I can say I have a new independence from this, that I have sorted out inadequacies in myself that allow me to say, "I know how to live on my own if it comes to that."

So in short, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed harsh, psycho insults come out of my mouth, that I have been hostile and aggravated, that I fought this battle with addiction even though it wasn't me in the abuse pattern.

Thank you.

Gifted and Lonely - Day Sixteen

I know this is the eve of the presidential election but I caught myself in tune with reflecting over my past, like there must be something I could do besides being patient for something I am unclear on. I had this foggy notion that love carried a great weight with it and the people I knew would always understand I remember them and what they are up to. Previously when I wrote in this template it was of a questioning and future pointing construct in my mind to try and rationalize what made me the most blind, and I don't feel blind at the moment. I feel like being loved is important, that I won't find that with a shrink or therapist and that I am too chaotic for normal people to understand how to talk with me. Reminiscing carries a certain fragrance to it, like once feeling alive, and somehow strange octopuses came from the sky and started infiltrating all the people I cared about to have some kind of Borg mentality, controlled by something I didn't fully grasp. I heard this song about a machine that runs on gasoline to describe an individual that obviously doesn't have the full cared for scenario of people in their life and I wonder what is in my power to do to build a better future for myself.