It's been a while since I have really said much about what is going on in my house. After doing this blog I fell apart and didn't even attempt to understand much about the group Desteni, and the reason being, I dealt with my roommate's addiction full on. It was bitter at times, with ultimatums and meeting with professionals in the addiction field. I felt like I don't have to live this way, put up with this and so forth as it got so bitter. After attempting group therapy and counselors my roommate still wouldn't be honest, wouldn't trust the people attempting to help him work through this, and the way it stopped, is not what you would think. A drug that a psychiatric professional gave him called Seroquel. It ended shortly after treatment, so I can't honestly say anything bad about medications. If it works it works and the only thing we'd have to weigh is if it dramatically affected his personality or hindered him in anyway and it doesn't. So there you have it, a magic bullet. A lot of unnecessary involvement with professionals but I can't say it was wasted because he did say he felt he was working on being a better person, getting through some of the traumatic experiences he had in childhood.
With that being said, I was ruthless and critical, the addiction drove me insane, to be in the position I was in, with this power struggle at enabling, helping, reinforcing techniques that I fell into. I need my forgiveness from those harsh words that came out of me at someone I consider my friend. Addiction is one of the worst things in this world. It has taken so many victims and it's because when it comes to what you value, you will push everyone you know away and burn bridges quickly, with no consideration for the feelings of the others.
I can say I have a new independence from this, that I have sorted out inadequacies in myself that allow me to say, "I know how to live on my own if it comes to that."
So in short, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed harsh, psycho insults come out of my mouth, that I have been hostile and aggravated, that I fought this battle with addiction even though it wasn't me in the abuse pattern.
Thank you.
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