Physical Reality - Day Six

Today I wanted to be really brief, as I laid out a lot of my issues this week, so I am just looking for a grounding at the moment, a way to live in the moment. In my realization, putting my thoughts into a document has really put into scope grasping my physical reality. Enjoying my physical reality. Learning to breathe and exist in these moments and go outside more often. I can explain that because of schizophrenia and medications the feeling is like this, traveling without real connection to your body or your own feet walking on the ground. It feels like something you have to reclaim or fight for. But why is it a constant struggle, are other people truly dreaming much of the time, that once they are comfortable they wonder within the mind and the peculiarities of the physical world around them changes meanings? I am not exactly sure, I can't say I understand all the people around me or the premise in which they share a reality, because to an extent there is a commonality that we have all agreed upon. So in brief my self-forgiveness is for me to feel freer and to enjoy living spaces, outdoor and in, with less time dreaming of something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to wonder, to not be in the moment, to get high in my own head without any substances but coffee and cigarettes. That being on the mania spectrum is not enjoyable, that my true freedom is in this grounding to my physical world, to see specific things in my backyard and exercise some self-control that I am here, this is my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream things into existence, that aren't real, to spend much time navigating a dream world that is merely that, it doesn't truly exist and though it may seem symbolic, it's not the reality of my day, it shouldn't dictate my decisions or my ability to go for a walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in that frenzy, that when I am feeling excited, I have to over-think a bit so I don't lose my footing, don't give up on what's real over what my mind has created, images that I often can't remember the following day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this inner-peace is better upon throwing my mind into a document and seeing it, saying, that is where I was today and I can learn from this, I can do better tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my physical reality to be nullified, that I haven't taken advantage of going outside more often and taking the walks I need to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the general fog in my head to prevent me from truly reading other people's posts, that a lot of what I am trying to do now is exit a big cloud and take what I can in seeing my friend's post and helping my older acquaintances out.  That I haven't read a lot of material that is suggested to me, that I am waiting for an opportunity to do such, but really it's about me taking that self-control and doing it.

Thank you.

Peace of Mind - Day Five

Got some feedback about my posts, and felt that one of the biggest areas that prevents me from getting into the details of my emotions is having an adequate peace of mind. There is so many things that can derail my peace of mind. Anger at the general state of affairs being the prime example of how I have displaced my local life for a more broader awareness of events that can be triggering. The grounding techniques are not always available to me, but it's also because I have limited myself. I sense paranoia at going into a wilderness area, and instead will watch videos about deforestation, so I have a duality that I have helped produce. Where it's well, I should go for a walk inside a forest before it gets torn down or goes up in flames. There is always this sense that this corporate world is destroying everything and I can't find a balance between my fight and awareness over it, and taking time for myself to understand how my heart and mind need to be balanced or restored. I think the mind is at war with the heart, the ego wants to gain ownership over so many things, instead of humbling oneself to the peace and tranquility that I have once known but have forgotten. The primary reason for my anger is so common, but again I am carrying the flames of that anger and it must be put out, for the same reasons others need to gain awareness over it. As the video I just watched showed, this colonial mega-power is dehumanizing and killing people far removed from this. People that could teach me the lessons to get to the bottom of my heart. Old cultures that didn't lose their worth because we decided it was advantageous to uproot their entire way of life with bombs and explosions. So you see, it's a shared duality, where I am on the "winning" side, I get to enjoy the benefits of not living under this threat, but I am named, in a sense, part of the threat to other people that I feel morally obligated to say should not die. That this is removed from me, but yet it still goes on so I must do more to stop it, instead of merely saying I have washed my hands clean. And what am I doing about it, providing information, being more adapt at sifting through media with broader awareness. And is my position in spreading this information actually causing other people to take it upon themselves to go through it or awaken them.  There is so much that I have gone through to the point of finding the trusted sources that explain well, what is going on, but is there so much distortion already that I have limited myself to this, without appealing people to truly understand it's a responsibility that should be taken upon every individual. So drawing all of that back into my space and tranquility, what I can do to bring my focus back to my situation and my balance is going to take time and I realize it's not easy.  This is the basis for my self-forgiveness of today, how can I take this big spectrum of what's going on and not feel that it's an emergency, ground myself, bathe in a forest to meditate on my surroundings for clarity and focus to get tuned deeper into my heart and peace of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that a tempest rage be brought up in me at any mention of disruption, human tragedy, disasters and unnecessary death. That I feel this anguish for it to end, that it is tearing me apart that there is few to stand up against it, that I have slowly been pulled under some ideas of accepting it as part of my perpetual background noise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not getting to the root of my problems, brushing over the surface, because I am lacking my attention, my focus.  That tranquility seems like it takes effort or can be done in alternative ways when actually I need to take a walk, go into a wilderness area and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this peace of mind to be stolen from me, that I knew well what it was, but somehow it got lost, it got jumbled up in a massive storm of distortion that society created and I can't ignore it completely to take time for myself, to take a certain amount of effort to change my scenery and meditate on simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed simplicity to not be simple.  That I have taken in so many ideas from many spiritual teachers about how to get there that the reality of doing it myself is untangling this mess of slogans for the simple truth that is always inside of the messages I take to heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that it's going to take time, that I have to say with these writings and with my life there is a process that doesn't happen overnight of gaining back my local life, being in my body and experiencing the life around me as it happens, to breathe without cigarettes the nature of my community or going beyond into the wilderness to take advantage that it's summer, and that when I was a child these discoveries happened all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind and ego to overrule my heart and emotions, that I got out of touch with feeling this and instead took over the role of rationalizing life. That I took these broader events of the world to mean much greater things than how I conduct myself in life, not living by example but merely absorbing information.

I most likely have hit a point where I can go on about this, so, this is a process for me that has opened new possibilities today, each day, because I am putting into focus my life, having this structure and guidance to say things that will help me achieve that tranquility.  I have to give myself time for it to fall into place.  If I keep at this, I can see it will be fruitful.

Thank you.

Surfacing and Gratitude - Day Four

After talking over some pretty interesting things, I have a better grip at what to say in thanks and appreciation for the feedback I have received and the outlet this writing has provided. I was going to cover some personal things that I understand are important, but often gets neglected or something you don't have to do twice, when in reality it's a constant struggle that goes by the name of boundaries. With your partner, with yourself and with the world around you. Clearly this had a lot to do with my comrade and roommate, (who we don't necessarily use the term partner, but nonetheless it works), for a structured program he is beginning. His own version of self-improvement through participation in recovery from his addictions. Perhaps after this, he could start a blog of his own, but for right now, I was reminded today of how serious his voyage is and how I am supposed to act and be supportive of it. I was in a dream world of just taking him to appointments to not understand the reality that this is a serious thing that takes work, and has a direct impact on me as well. So, even though it was feeling remedial, that I have heard this before, it finally stuck that I have to get a bit more serious about how this is going to work out on my part, what I have to do, what I have to support, what I have to avoid, what I have to say no to and so on.  He has been a self-sabotaging force of his own when it comes to a rigid structure in his life and that's exactly what they are expecting and how this program works, so I am getting prepared, remembering the hang-ups of before and realizing that he is doing well and this would be the icing on the cake of him truly being done with addiction.

So with that being said, I am also appreciative of the Desteni organization and am being as flat out as possible, once he is initiated into this program, it will relieve a burden I have to actually get to work with reading up on all the information provided and get caught up on my own book list and film list that I have left lingering.  I wanted to ask forgiveness in simple terms, in all relationships to my boundaries and how I can be impacted without even knowing, getting to the root of the causes of my grief as today I was asked to visualize what it would be like with someone else, or alone, as a real thing that may matter, if he truly screwed up, which isn't likely so that is good. It was going through the motions of what happens on a day to day basis and thinking well, if I really want certain behaviors to stop I have got to explain, not in an argument, but civilly, that in reality I can't put up with that, and I can't ignore that forever, so this is what behaviors you need to change and this is what behaviors I need to change.  Hopefully I can put together self-forgiveness in the form that it comes in with a domestic relationship, sharing a roof with another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed extremely low points in my relationship with my partner, that I haven't been vigilant in keeping up with his moods and mindset to truly be supportive, and that this has been a sabotaging force in my life, that addiction is a terrible thing that can't be taken lightly.  That even though time has gone by, with sobriety, it lingers until the behavior within our relationship really takes a turn towards a common goal, and mainly being above ground and civil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed some serious problems to just exist as the elephant in the room, sorta speak, that yes, we have a problem, but today I don't want to get my hands dirty, I don't want to know about it, so I'll just be ignorant and pretend it doesn't exist, at least for today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my boundaries, my self-respect to be a questionable factor impacted by my mood instead of taking direct responsibility that it's in my power to say what my boundaries are and expect that, without argument but agreement, some hang-ups to daily living could be greatly improved provided I just stay on track.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed just letting my mind wonder from this, that I can be quite content in my own world without fulling grasping that the support he needed was more broader, there was much more on the table to choose from than what we did, and that finally it's coming together.  That I need professionals within the addiction recovery program to instruct me on some basic and remedial things to me, that I simply just forget about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that the signs I should be looking at, is am I content this way, am I doing the things I need to do to feel satisfied, the great indicators of my mood that I ignore, why can't they be something I remind myself of, why do I slowly forget to see these blatant signs that I am not well, that I have got off track.

It's a really complicated thing to be involved with addiction. When the person impacted can go from being content to being a danger very quickly. Or even be shocking in what they are capable of doing. Through the entire situation I have realized my partner is willing to change, improve, live normally, so it's not like get out of the door right now, but in the moment of being pulled into the moods that get created you can find yourself saying and feeling just that.

There is a lot more that I can say on this subject but the second part I want to say is gratitude for meeting all the people involved with Desteni.

I am full of gratitude that this can be an outlet, that I can bounce ideas off others, read what others are battling and truly identify that I have been there, I have experienced that as well. I am grateful for the chance to meet so many people determined for self-recovery whether it is a serious problem like mental illness or addiction, to rather complicated but less severe problems about thought processes, changing your thinking, your belief systems and structures. I commend people that have been involved before in addiction who know the satisfaction of being really stern that I can change behaviors, I can enforce boundaries to the point of getting real results to saying, wow, by stating something so simple I changed the general discourse of an entire day!

Thank you.

System Overload - Day Three

I wanted to say, that I have had a day where the information does not compute.  Many objectives that I had in social justice I see mirrored in other people, to the extent, it does not help for me to join, but rather gather myself for the next moment I may need strength. We all have been looking for clues, digging into conspiracy, questioning what is real that the idea of the truth coming out from the elite seems far fetched, like you would have to pry it out of their hands while they tried to take it to their graves.  It gave me the concept of the "third ego" as though there has been so much mudslinging against everything imaginable that we have to collect the pieces on the ground and use rudimentary skills to express it's possible to live with knowledge, that the external world will still exist upon you taking a moment for yourself to truly immerse yourself in everything you have fought for up to this point.

There is these electronic vibes that doesn't translate into everyday living, into face to face communication that it seems like the breaking point is near.  That for better or worse you will have to accept certain things, there is certain limitations in everyone's life that once reached, it's not such a big deal. Instead of zeal and envy, thirsting for righteousness, you'll have to come to terms that you made it pretty far and it's time to meditate on the whole collection you got while searching the metaphysical landscape for every shred of substance the human race will still need to go on. The question is what would you do with power at your disposal, for we have had glimpses at the entire careers of notable figures and their youth was not so different.  We know their injustices, their corruption, their intent, and it seems that the longer you are a victim to fighting fire with fire, you will never be able to toss them down or have equal footing with "them".  What have they taken from you, time, security, financial comfort, all to be considered part of a new educated peasantry, that to them is nothing, because they understand they have the tools of manipulation at their disposal.

I want other people to understand the commonality of fighting for justice, that even those on a different side of a political spectrum see as clear as day the same things you might, it's just the language and background is different. So, when I am asking forgiveness for myself here, it is about fighting, in all these minuscule ways for justice and equity that I haven't won a trophy for, that may have been seen differently than the intent. From them, an elite, a group of people claiming you have every right to accede to this American Dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I was blind, that I couldn't see everything for what it really was, that not many have all vision at their disposal and that tossing the fire around only helps wildfires and not a targeted destination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my grounding over being too volatile, too wrapped up in the feelings of victim-hood, the feeling of being caught in a war that wasn't exactly explained to me in any civil manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed, that I had extreme amounts of envy to take and learn for myself if there wasn't a class for it, whatever I could as the truth, the roots that I felt criminals stole, maybe from me, but more likely everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste valuable time obsessing over issues that I wanted everyone to know about, political and social crimes, wars and terror attacks. That just by shouting in redundancy that this happened, I didn't help create an answer that other people could understand.

Sorry that today is short, there is actually a lot happening on our social media in politics, in the world. Crimes and elections, to wars and coups in Turkey and elsewhere.  If I could do anything it is to provide substance, use substance, so that at a later day of exercising this practice, much more can flow through me.

Thank you.

Misconception or Persecution - Day Two

I wanted to lay out some feelings that can be very strong for me.  I was diagnosed as schizophrenic a decade ago, and one of the first things I felt was alienation from belonging to society, like a label was going to be a big part of my identity, and the only way that it was so forceful was that I was actually medicated against my will with drugs that nullify most aspects of your general personality.  They are capable of being recovered but in my journey and meeting others, it's not for people that aren't proactive or research the insanity of this entire system that claims you are not mentally healthy. There is more aspects to it than this, there is a "dangerous" label associated with schizophrenia, that you have been targeted and removed from most general functions of society and are viewed differently and in different layers, of what other people refer to as a stigma, that is very real, but more pronounced based on your level of functioning.  There was this search, like wanting to know what is in your mind, that I even shared, what was in my mind, obviously, that was what was in question, so I'd have to explore some of these experiences that shaped my mind, which are extremely complicated. And again it goes back to an alienation or perception of myself as somehow separated from everyone else, that I was watching them live a life, that technically they were trying to show me as the only way to live. So this multiplied in my relationships with other people and organizations within society that each had their own unique way of expressing dialogue with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a misconception of who I was, a personification of who I was to be made up by others.  To be examined without respecting what I remembered of who I used to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwindle inside of a fog and not assert myself during these questioning years of my psyche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my identity to be something that I had to figure out and not who I was, that I had gotten off track from society and couldn't figure out my footing to join it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief in a stigma against me that stunted me from expressing my concern for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed misconceptions to be permitted over my disbelief in myself, that I couldn't compile an adequate position in which to speak from and even, leaving behind or stagnating relationships with my family, simply because there was an overarching label placed on me that I had a lot of difficulty figuring out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be present at crucial moments in the people in my life's lives.  That I didn't understand my connection to them, and wasn't capable of offering my best at their grievous moments.

That brings the second part of this into question which I had laid bare before me today by a close friend also suffering from mental illness and not getting the help they needed, or should be receiving in coping with this.  With the other part, about what's expected out of you, for at times many of us with mental illness, just like physical illness have been bed bound and sapped of motivation to clean and do all the normal things healthy people may take for granted without knowing how many people truly do suffer.  The problem is that it can be seen what a physically disabled person is capable of whereas with mental illness we are capable of talking and moving, it's just not that it's easy, an invisible world is haunting us and preventing us from participating in daily tasks. It was brought to my attention how difficult being supportive of some of my family members is, when it feels like I am on a sickbed and the exertion to snap out of that and be of use and available to others is severely questionable and I would be more content, to be visited as a disabled person. Not to mention they almost tell us that after all this hell we have been through with psychiatry, if you get better you should find a vocation, which would only burden us even more, it wouldn't provide connection, it would be like asking homeless veterans to snap out of it and go into a professional field of duty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be denigrated, and become even more disabled than I was at the start of this.  That I pushed others away and made it more difficult for me to be of use to close friends and relatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be of use and available to people I truly cared about but couldn't keep up with in person.  That I resorted to being on a sickbed and preferred electronic relationships or phone calls over meeting others in normal places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart in more ways than one, and not keep up with the people around me.  That I viewed myself in a way that I should have more visitors for my condition than I in reality did and that I couldn't cope with many aspects of how mental health care is operated.

That is all I can come up with today, these points I am making I can elaborate on, so this is just trying to create a background that I can expand on later to get more intrinsic with some of my real focused problems.

Thank you.

Overcoming Negativity - Day One

I'm attempting something new, for me.  My long time friend Tormod has been participating in a group called Desteni, and after meeting other members from it, I was confronted with a challenge to attempt this iterations of self-forgiveness, this is the format used to achieve a better self-honesty, and I do have some things I need to get off my chest and it starts right now with having a negative and pessimistic attitude.

The format is rather simple: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed......

So, to begin this well, in the thesis of negativity, it has a lot to do with my intellect, my brain working against me. Overthinking, over-analyzing, over-controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my brain to create a pessimistic world view, and that I have blocked out many possible outcomes for my life and hindered myself from achieving a better quality of life.

It may have always been going on, but, the instance that I began to harbor resentment of others was in college.  I had my intelligence mocked, I was manipulated, I had no peers that I could count on.  I was involved in a relationship with a megalomaniac that even used my meager attempts at friendship in California as ammunition for my self worth in a society that I never knew much about.  Once my intelligence was insulted, I did everything I could to catch up, like it was a race and there was always more to know.  I fought and resisted so many forces that could have been good for me, to take over lists of films and books that were prized as the great works of our times.  I was precise, going to great lengths to read information about classes I wasn't even in and focusing on critical theory.  I wanted a defense, a solid defense, that my background could be made up for and I was just as privileged as the others as long as I took up the slack that separated me from the great wealth and status that some of the other students at this university had.  Not only was my intelligence at stake, but my family background, everything.  It became a maddening force that I could no longer cope with, so upon meeting new friends that relieved the burden of caring about the university, I met Ted, my life partner and basically ran away, ran across the country, took a plane to Ireland and than a ferry to France.  We vowed to never return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to create a biography of me that was only paper value and not who I was truly, that I allowed others to dictate my character or claim what I was capable of and what I wasn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another person to be so persuasive in my worldview and to manipulate and shape my existence that had nothing to do with what I really wanted out of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a university to be so time consuming to my identity and never getting relief from it's troubles or meeting anyone that was good for me to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed depictions of what I did, what my choices were with Ted to affect me so much.  I was naive to what I was up to, and my awareness wasn't as it was today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fact that I ran away from my problems and for it to be such a serious consequence in facing them.

Ted, who still lives with me today, has problems, it wasn't clear upon meeting him what they were. Now at this point it is classified as drug and alcohol addiction that he is clear of after much fighting, arguing, and his participation in educational classes about his addiction. It was arduous in dealing with these issues, for they didn't become so glaring until a few years ago, where as before it was forgiven that he could handle himself to a degree.  I became controlling, and he became co-dependent on my enabling personality that I have had to correct.  Our fights were bitter at times, and it was abusive to have to participate in it.  The only thing that was in his favor is the ability to explain and negotiate or compromise to stay above the surface with me.  For many people said it was too much to deal with, no ordinary person would put up with this, but I wasn't ordinary, and neither is Ted, and he did recover much to the dismay of others that may only live to desire the failures of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a relationship with an addict that was hellish to put up with at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to take many sides on either party of our relationship and that I had to cope with this while also dealing with my own psyche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed much of this burden to weigh me down, and to make it poignant that I had slowly developed a negative and pessimistic view of the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at others in darker lights than what they are accustomed to and lived in a paranoid state over who I could trust because of it.

This is the conclusion that I have come to today as I don't know what else to share about myself at this moment in time.

The last iteration is I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my intelligence to deem many things irrelevant or strange including Tormod's investment in this group, and the premise that it is not something I fully understand.

Thank you.