After talking over some pretty interesting things, I have a better grip at what to say in thanks and appreciation for the feedback I have received and the outlet this writing has provided. I was going to cover some personal things that I understand are important, but often gets neglected or something you don't have to do twice, when in reality it's a constant struggle that goes by the name of boundaries. With your partner, with yourself and with the world around you. Clearly this had a lot to do with my comrade and roommate, (who we don't necessarily use the term partner, but nonetheless it works), for a structured program he is beginning. His own version of self-improvement through participation in recovery from his addictions. Perhaps after this, he could start a blog of his own, but for right now, I was reminded today of how serious his voyage is and how I am supposed to act and be supportive of it. I was in a dream world of just taking him to appointments to not understand the reality that this is a serious thing that takes work, and has a direct impact on me as well. So, even though it was feeling remedial, that I have heard this before, it finally stuck that I have to get a bit more serious about how this is going to work out on my part, what I have to do, what I have to support, what I have to avoid, what I have to say no to and so on. He has been a self-sabotaging force of his own when it comes to a rigid structure in his life and that's exactly what they are expecting and how this program works, so I am getting prepared, remembering the hang-ups of before and realizing that he is doing well and this would be the icing on the cake of him truly being done with addiction.
So with that being said, I am also appreciative of the Desteni organization and am being as flat out as possible, once he is initiated into this program, it will relieve a burden I have to actually get to work with reading up on all the information provided and get caught up on my own book list and film list that I have left lingering. I wanted to ask forgiveness in simple terms, in all relationships to my boundaries and how I can be impacted without even knowing, getting to the root of the causes of my grief as today I was asked to visualize what it would be like with someone else, or alone, as a real thing that may matter, if he truly screwed up, which isn't likely so that is good. It was going through the motions of what happens on a day to day basis and thinking well, if I really want certain behaviors to stop I have got to explain, not in an argument, but civilly, that in reality I can't put up with that, and I can't ignore that forever, so this is what behaviors you need to change and this is what behaviors I need to change. Hopefully I can put together self-forgiveness in the form that it comes in with a domestic relationship, sharing a roof with another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed extremely low points in my relationship with my partner, that I haven't been vigilant in keeping up with his moods and mindset to truly be supportive, and that this has been a sabotaging force in my life, that addiction is a terrible thing that can't be taken lightly. That even though time has gone by, with sobriety, it lingers until the behavior within our relationship really takes a turn towards a common goal, and mainly being above ground and civil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed some serious problems to just exist as the elephant in the room, sorta speak, that yes, we have a problem, but today I don't want to get my hands dirty, I don't want to know about it, so I'll just be ignorant and pretend it doesn't exist, at least for today.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my boundaries, my self-respect to be a questionable factor impacted by my mood instead of taking direct responsibility that it's in my power to say what my boundaries are and expect that, without argument but agreement, some hang-ups to daily living could be greatly improved provided I just stay on track.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed just letting my mind wonder from this, that I can be quite content in my own world without fulling grasping that the support he needed was more broader, there was much more on the table to choose from than what we did, and that finally it's coming together. That I need professionals within the addiction recovery program to instruct me on some basic and remedial things to me, that I simply just forget about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that the signs I should be looking at, is am I content this way, am I doing the things I need to do to feel satisfied, the great indicators of my mood that I ignore, why can't they be something I remind myself of, why do I slowly forget to see these blatant signs that I am not well, that I have got off track.
It's a really complicated thing to be involved with addiction. When the person impacted can go from being content to being a danger very quickly. Or even be shocking in what they are capable of doing. Through the entire situation I have realized my partner is willing to change, improve, live normally, so it's not like get out of the door right now, but in the moment of being pulled into the moods that get created you can find yourself saying and feeling just that.
There is a lot more that I can say on this subject but the second part I want to say is gratitude for meeting all the people involved with Desteni.
I am full of gratitude that this can be an outlet, that I can bounce ideas off others, read what others are battling and truly identify that I have been there, I have experienced that as well. I am grateful for the chance to meet so many people determined for self-recovery whether it is a serious problem like mental illness or addiction, to rather complicated but less severe problems about thought processes, changing your thinking, your belief systems and structures. I commend people that have been involved before in addiction who know the satisfaction of being really stern that I can change behaviors, I can enforce boundaries to the point of getting real results to saying, wow, by stating something so simple I changed the general discourse of an entire day!
Thank you.
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