Overcoming Negativity - Day One

I'm attempting something new, for me.  My long time friend Tormod has been participating in a group called Desteni, and after meeting other members from it, I was confronted with a challenge to attempt this iterations of self-forgiveness, this is the format used to achieve a better self-honesty, and I do have some things I need to get off my chest and it starts right now with having a negative and pessimistic attitude.

The format is rather simple: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed......

So, to begin this well, in the thesis of negativity, it has a lot to do with my intellect, my brain working against me. Overthinking, over-analyzing, over-controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my brain to create a pessimistic world view, and that I have blocked out many possible outcomes for my life and hindered myself from achieving a better quality of life.

It may have always been going on, but, the instance that I began to harbor resentment of others was in college.  I had my intelligence mocked, I was manipulated, I had no peers that I could count on.  I was involved in a relationship with a megalomaniac that even used my meager attempts at friendship in California as ammunition for my self worth in a society that I never knew much about.  Once my intelligence was insulted, I did everything I could to catch up, like it was a race and there was always more to know.  I fought and resisted so many forces that could have been good for me, to take over lists of films and books that were prized as the great works of our times.  I was precise, going to great lengths to read information about classes I wasn't even in and focusing on critical theory.  I wanted a defense, a solid defense, that my background could be made up for and I was just as privileged as the others as long as I took up the slack that separated me from the great wealth and status that some of the other students at this university had.  Not only was my intelligence at stake, but my family background, everything.  It became a maddening force that I could no longer cope with, so upon meeting new friends that relieved the burden of caring about the university, I met Ted, my life partner and basically ran away, ran across the country, took a plane to Ireland and than a ferry to France.  We vowed to never return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to create a biography of me that was only paper value and not who I was truly, that I allowed others to dictate my character or claim what I was capable of and what I wasn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another person to be so persuasive in my worldview and to manipulate and shape my existence that had nothing to do with what I really wanted out of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a university to be so time consuming to my identity and never getting relief from it's troubles or meeting anyone that was good for me to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed depictions of what I did, what my choices were with Ted to affect me so much.  I was naive to what I was up to, and my awareness wasn't as it was today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fact that I ran away from my problems and for it to be such a serious consequence in facing them.

Ted, who still lives with me today, has problems, it wasn't clear upon meeting him what they were. Now at this point it is classified as drug and alcohol addiction that he is clear of after much fighting, arguing, and his participation in educational classes about his addiction. It was arduous in dealing with these issues, for they didn't become so glaring until a few years ago, where as before it was forgiven that he could handle himself to a degree.  I became controlling, and he became co-dependent on my enabling personality that I have had to correct.  Our fights were bitter at times, and it was abusive to have to participate in it.  The only thing that was in his favor is the ability to explain and negotiate or compromise to stay above the surface with me.  For many people said it was too much to deal with, no ordinary person would put up with this, but I wasn't ordinary, and neither is Ted, and he did recover much to the dismay of others that may only live to desire the failures of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a relationship with an addict that was hellish to put up with at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to take many sides on either party of our relationship and that I had to cope with this while also dealing with my own psyche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed much of this burden to weigh me down, and to make it poignant that I had slowly developed a negative and pessimistic view of the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at others in darker lights than what they are accustomed to and lived in a paranoid state over who I could trust because of it.

This is the conclusion that I have come to today as I don't know what else to share about myself at this moment in time.

The last iteration is I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my intelligence to deem many things irrelevant or strange including Tormod's investment in this group, and the premise that it is not something I fully understand.

Thank you.