Gaining or Losing - Day Eighteen

I remember a quote by John Lennon, "the more real you become, the more unreal the world becomes." I am inside that at the moment, for reasons of commonality with others. Sometimes we are looking for things to agree on, to appease each other and show support, but sometimes you have to exit this scenario and be who you are, to not put on a facade. I think I have a lot of inadequacies in this department, and I want to say it's because I am a late bloomer in understanding the ego versus selflessness, or going out of my way to be hospitable to people who could care less. I am just reminded that other people that I would fear because I am disturbed to be manipulated most of the time are coming clean that their behaviors weren't healthy, and I was a victim of being used in such a way, that my hospitality was being an enabler to their vices and what vices do I have and why do I need them. In laying down this argument, I am getting into the teachings of Jesus and letting go of people who plot and scheme wicked things. After the age of thirty it has been dwindling away to have the kinda excitement for some fun, to even stay up that late. I was never an addict, but four years ago I stopped consuming alcohol, making it maybe four times a year. My mental illness did not allow being hindered in anyway from any chemicals that excite the brain, except coffee of course. I can't seem to let go of coffee.

What I am getting at is that I have a more grounded approach and I feel the benefits of it while driving around or seeing young kids hanging out that I am their elder, that I have been through that, and it was a confusing time and if I had a child it would be totally different for them. I've thought of my ideas in being a teacher to the youth, from the lessons I had in life and in college, I would run them through those stages quickly, as a tutor. What I wish that I had or what I missed out on, is the idea of having friendships in my locality with people. Now I can say a lot of people are in a rat race and I am not participating in that because it put a spell on me before and it was a struggle to get away from it. So maybe in exclusion I can say, I am avoiding this drama, this state of existence and I have my eyes out for competency. That I need a stable word or two now and again when leaving the home to have my reality check with the society I live in and there is enough people offering their presence throughout this village and that is something to go on. That there is a sense of control and I am not obligated to help in it, it is there to appreciate.

In short all I ask forgiveness for myself from is not understanding that this was offered to me before, I had it, but I lost it to my madness with schizophrenia and it's time to let go in thinking of myself as a catalyst affecting that many people. It's delusional for me to pretend I am having that much impact on the life around me and that this meddling with being over controlling isn't healthy, and what else, is being selfless, offering kindness when other people don't care.

Everybody Hurts, Sometimes - Day Seventeen

It's been a while since I have really said much about what is going on in my house. After doing this blog I fell apart and didn't even attempt to understand much about the group Desteni, and the reason being, I dealt with my roommate's addiction full on. It was bitter at times, with ultimatums and meeting with professionals in the addiction field.  I felt like I don't have to live this way, put up with this and so forth as it got so bitter. After attempting group therapy and counselors my roommate still wouldn't be honest, wouldn't trust the people attempting to help him work through this, and the way it stopped, is not what you would think. A drug that a psychiatric professional gave him called Seroquel. It ended shortly after treatment, so I can't honestly say anything bad about medications. If it works it works and the only thing we'd have to weigh is if it dramatically affected his personality or hindered him in anyway and it doesn't. So there you have it, a magic bullet. A lot of unnecessary involvement with professionals but I can't say it was wasted because he did say he felt he was working on being a better person, getting through some of the traumatic experiences he had in childhood.

With that being said, I was ruthless and critical, the addiction drove me insane, to be in the position I was in, with this power struggle at enabling, helping, reinforcing techniques that I fell into. I need my forgiveness from those harsh words that came out of me at someone I consider my friend. Addiction is one of the worst things in this world. It has taken so many victims and it's because when it comes to what you value, you will push everyone you know away and burn bridges quickly, with no consideration for the feelings of the others.

I can say I have a new independence from this, that I have sorted out inadequacies in myself that allow me to say, "I know how to live on my own if it comes to that."

So in short, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed harsh, psycho insults come out of my mouth, that I have been hostile and aggravated, that I fought this battle with addiction even though it wasn't me in the abuse pattern.

Thank you.

Gifted and Lonely - Day Sixteen

I know this is the eve of the presidential election but I caught myself in tune with reflecting over my past, like there must be something I could do besides being patient for something I am unclear on. I had this foggy notion that love carried a great weight with it and the people I knew would always understand I remember them and what they are up to. Previously when I wrote in this template it was of a questioning and future pointing construct in my mind to try and rationalize what made me the most blind, and I don't feel blind at the moment. I feel like being loved is important, that I won't find that with a shrink or therapist and that I am too chaotic for normal people to understand how to talk with me. Reminiscing carries a certain fragrance to it, like once feeling alive, and somehow strange octopuses came from the sky and started infiltrating all the people I cared about to have some kind of Borg mentality, controlled by something I didn't fully grasp. I heard this song about a machine that runs on gasoline to describe an individual that obviously doesn't have the full cared for scenario of people in their life and I wonder what is in my power to do to build a better future for myself.

Agoraphobia - Day Fifteen

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.


I wanted to discuss my negative emotions versus the positive feelings of hope to resist these certain fears that I have often gone through when leaving my house. It seems insane to believe that many people suffer from this in one way or another or on a spectrum of how much pressure is on any individual to leave their house to an uncomfortable situation. The problem is that I have exuberant feelings to tackle things outside of my house but the emotions and irrational fear come in that I am comfortable just the way I am in my house and it's not that important. It's made me not participate in important events within my family to taking certain steps towards a better future and I am constantly reminded that my sense of freedom is undermined by this fear that comes over me that I have left the house, the animals aren't safe, my partner isn't safe, I am not safe, when away.

It feels dumb to be so crippled by this sense of fear and it has shaped the things I do and memories of the things I remembered doing years ago without such restraint. I'd often go to parks and scenic areas to enjoy some time in nature, but it's become so compelling to not do those things and stay put. That I have grown even more cozy with the idea of not leaving the house and that it is almost the end of summer here and I haven't taken a vacation or done anything necessary to enjoy the time.

I want to forgive myself for these fears and try and reclaim my life to do things as I please and go see nature and drive places again, or even take a plane at some point to visit my sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so comfortable in my house, to let fears get the best of me, to constantly worry about all the variables involved in leaving my front door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed irrational emotions and fears to rule my life, that bad things were going to happen and the more likely it would occur the longer I was away from my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that snipers and mass shootings were going to be after me like I was the target for so many things, that I didn't want to risk it, as if I needed bodyguards to protect me going to the grocery store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I have not done things like show up and participate in important events for my nephews and niece and that it's so complicated for me to coordinate leaving my house and I have to know so many details in order to just feel safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my dogs for a walk when they really needed to get out of the house and explore. That I have been bad at being their human parent for their curiosity about what's beyond the house and yard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these fears to take so much control over whether I am going to take care of something, if I am going to take my partner, or if it's more convenient for me to go alone so I can get my groceries or supplies quickly and not be seen by anyone.

Thank you.

Recovery - Day Fourteen

I've recollected my thoughts, maybe grounded myself a little bit more, and have to address this, that recovery isn't easy for my partner, to the point that I have decided to take a class for it. There has been periods where this problem didn't exist, but when he is pressured as in doing out-patient treatment, than all the sudden the seduction becomes more enticing to skip class and to relapse. It has driven me insane at times that it all depends on him applying himself, when in the case he isn't working on it, why should I just be ignorant to the problem. I made some phone calls and figured a way for me to take a separate class that he wouldn't want to take. It just reached a point where I am not going to stand idly by and see if he sabotages himself or succeeds and I realized something last night. That the application of self to writing and attending class can be pressured on him by me, that if I state the facts in a rational way it provokes serious rage in him that he has to face this problem or fall apart to it, and luckily that initial prodding of his behavior didn't drive him over the wall and I was able to facilitate his struggle into ways that he may have ignored last night but had to have sunk in by now.

The realization of me being an enabler of this, that when he puts the pressure on me, I blow up and figure he is going to bother me until he gets his way is what I need to fix. That I can't be lazy about this, this has become a monstrous problem and I have to apply my skills at breaking this down and getting him to apply himself to writing, to doing work on his computer, to read the books that were given to him. The counselors he has met that facilitate his group he likes, he likes what they gave him to look at and the only problem is that they weren't as encouraging as needed for him to attend every time bracket he signed up for. Somehow I have to take up this slack and guide him. You can bring a horse to water but can't force them to drink, but maybe if I wasn't uneducated in what is going on in these classes, I could take a different role with this elephant in the room.

I am asking myself forgiveness for all the behaviors that I have done that have enabled him or made him disinterested in achieving this goal, that he can face and solve his problems on his own, provided that he have a support team that wants him to be successful which includes me as a big character in his life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be neutral, enabling, defeatist in the face of his determination to relapse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this problem to get way out of hand, that I need to pull it in, closer to Earth, that he can't float around not knowing all the people he sees really want him to succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this rage in me to go beyond my limits, that with any pressure on me, I blew up and gave in to him relapsing, that it infuriates me and I can't rationalize these emotions and say what's right at those moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that every time I knew what to say it was at the worst time, that I need to step back and be smart about when to say the right thing and when not to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy to this problem, that I could have tackled it better before had I known the extent of what I was dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate in response to this growing dilemma instead of thinking of some more smart choices, choices to educate myself, to go through the material he has with him and to take on other materials just for my self-knowledge.

Thank you.

Gifts and Deficits - Day Thirteen

I had a delay but it was because I was dealing with a personal disappointment, but now that it is over I have a topic fresh in my mind that I could cover. It's two ends of a spectrum that I would call <put together vs being a mess> or even <on the surface vs underground>. In all these personal battles I have had with my partner there is a time for everything. What I know to be right is to build on the positives, create a better reality by promoting the gifts of another over criticizing their faults. To me it is personal with this mental illness hovering about me that some doctors before medications called "writhing in agony" that it was an idea for every time I become a mess with myself, a problem has arisen, something I couldn't foresee and this makes it much more easier to see faults and disappointment and focus on criticizing myself and others for these deficits. In a moment of giving advice I realize the term put yourself together was what I needed to hear but didn't know that every time I put myself together I am on the surface, I am capable of being of assistance, and slowly with enough practice that is my advice. Rationalize your issues, put them in perspective and move on. It wasn't easy to get there and I see it in some of the groups that people are truly suffering with nothing to grab hold of, and it's hard to explain what they need to do to get it together because it's real, the pain is real.

With my partner I want to get across that I am going to promote the best, that I want to congratulate them on a job well done, or doing a program to make them a better person. But when they fall apart, it could ricochet for me to fall apart and quickly go back underground where there is no light to show the way out and you have to again struggle and fight just to get back to where you were, but I realize with practice it gets easier and the problems and issues we had get explained. In considering others that don't deal with this, they have a hardwired purpose about their way, and for us that have questioned ourselves we don't claim we know the best purpose, it's more like an evolving situation that we can witness and even participate in by watching the flow that humanity is going which is better than going to them and claiming something that is a foretold notion or anything that can be perceived as crazy, so most people understand to keep it to themselves. So this is about the struggle, the grabbing hold of real things, tangible things to stay on top of yourself, that I have to forgive myself the trouble it caused to undermine the stability of my partner and myself for this critique of deficits and faults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed you to think I was giving up on you when actually I have nothing better to do than wait for you to stand on your own feet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hostile angry shouting to come out of me at everything I deemed wrong and not smart, that I get too involved and that my feelings are less important because I am more adaptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I am capable of making irrational decisions, that I don't have it all together myself, and that I can use my knowledge as ammunition, when actually I am trying to be encouraging, it's just not the appropriate time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient, that I have thought how life is easier when I am thinking only about myself. There is nothing that demanding that I would leave anyone behind, but as the walk of nature, there is things that I am not going to dive into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that my advice was better than people trained academically in addiction recovery. That I felt I had a better grasp of what to do before doing some research to understand it's a long term problem that won't be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that at times it feels like I am performing a long term assisted suicide that could be twenty years. That it was so grim it felt like that was the goal was to just feel hopeless there was a future to believe in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my temper and my blood to boil over things that my partner had to do on their own, that even if I could assist, they would have to do some personal work on their own to even get to a better position. That doing things for the other person is the wrong approach and that I have got to live by example and show the way out with how I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress into the critical mode, instead of encouraging the positive gifts and attributes of my partner and myself.

Thank you.

Anxiety - Day Twelve

I am striving for a state of nothingness, a completion of my meditative states. There is a lot of reasons for my mind to be chaotic right now, but I have learned lessons in the past about how to fight against the forces that once destabilized me. With enough practice I could be very good at it, but also like my skin has thickened and my head less agile with newer information. It's a gamble I'm willing to take because I am done feeling fleeting or unstable. The way to create a head without noise seems to involve changing some habits that I have done for too long, and it definitely has a lot to do with my love of music, and I have a newer solution to stop that dragging on for hours on end, and it has to do with information and film, to help divert myself. Many years ago we ditched our television set because it gave me a headache and now it's easier to pull up specific things to watch that match your interests. I'd say that since absorbing myself in some films and newer ideas for conversations and documentaries I don't feel pressured by anything except realizing that this is the way out. That the collective knowledge of our prominent intellectuals is helping this hypnosis go away and that is probably the only way we have at stopping this manufactured consent for anything that doesn't serve our interests or the planet's sustainability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be on cruise control with the flow of the people around me. That I didn't immediately know, or have a briefing society was mixed up and that I'd have to find a route out and that it's not as bad as it seems. The environment is not meant to be exploited and it can't sustain it, but in my particular realm I have done little to aid those in exploiting resources and human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that some methods of hypnosis were Ok. I felt mildly entertained and that it was harmless instead of diligently reading information to say, I am apart of the solution and not the problem. I can do what I can to help, I can exit my own programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I could have been spellbound, in ways I didn't understand and only through awareness of this could I overcome it. The awareness definitely comes from support but also research, though it's almost necessary to have peer support around so you know you aren't the only one.

Thank you.

Self-Importance - Day Eleven

I made it to a point of introspection and my partner offered me some insight, that my style of communication has a conceited tone to him, that I don't pick up on, but it allowed me to see myself and explain how I got to this point. I have had issues at being forceful over miscommunication, to the point I went above and beyond in explanation to make sure it didn't happen, and this occurred for various reasons, and a lot of it has to do with educational background. If I were to digress and say I am going to live without this, than it's a bit foggy, like I am relaxing my understanding to act a certain way and not be so assertive or thinking I need to be in control or even overbearing, to the point I think some of the people I have talked with sensed that I was describing an emergency. It still is quite a lot to unpack, but I am thinking about it better, that I have been isolated from normal conversations that there is more importance placed on the times I do speak, and even going over what I said, what they said. With Facebook being a medium I have had extensive practice at editing and perfecting my online identity and it seems I have got to reel in that fishing into the abyss out of the screen and into my physical surroundings. The other end of this is a level of narcissism I have picked up, that I have had to make myself important even when everything else suggests I am not. I had something to keep up with and it probably turned into deeper self-defense mechanisms that revolved around me creating my own world, my own dream to exist within, where other things that happened were outside of me, and didn't particularly involve me. Within this dream I created this identity but it wavers, it's not solid in real life because I don't associate that much with people on a daily basis and it's something I want to correct a bit, but because of being medicated it is hard to achieve. I simply lack the stamina for a whole day of interaction, and often prefer a dream I have created to having my bubble burst by people that aren't within my familiar zone of comfort. Basically what society generalizes in judgment I want nothing to do with, because in my care of others I do listen and tend to their needs. In some cases of being in a virtual relationship, there is always a point where some people would say they outgrew the other, but I think it has more to do with, I have offered all I can and unless you are under the same roof as me it's probably best for you to reach out to other people besides me.

I want to release this burden of being self-important, and realize that I am what I am, that somethings about my character are pretty hardwired, so I should focus on the acceptance of some attributes and strive towards correcting ones that are perceived without humility or without my sense of belonging to a situation or community of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that it was all about me, or us, my partner included. That so many things were of course signs and symbols that I was privileged to and without comparing myself to others, were pretty significant over real life issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that throughout university and everything else there has been some narcissistic and egotistical people that have rubbed off on me, that even if I was in opposition to their behaviors they did shape me in a way and I can't undo it so easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that my insistence on communicating was so important, reviewing my words over another and not leveling out and being one with the moment and connected to the other people I was engaged with. That is probably my most important thing I have learned recently is connection beats all else, to strive towards making that connection to another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a lot of strange things to be reasons for me being alive and what I am going to do. That I was being selected out of all of humanity to receive specific information that only I could interpret and that, that is pretty crazy in itself. Had I kept it more subtle I could have had a better grasp on reality and not suffered so intensely from schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overbearing and perfectionist, that I have made certain judgments on others simply because I couldn't rationalize their input into my formulas I created, that probably they had no problems talking with others in similar shoes, but all this knowledge and information I picked up caused me to say that's an iffy situation, not too sure I want to be friends or talk with this individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fact of not working on this area, that I was in it to take some thoughts for my own worldview and not be part of this world view. That in so many situations I could pause the moment, and tell myself to be objective and that this has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that in the future I am still prone to these habits and I have to break them down a bit so I can unpack this and see what I am willing to correct and just put myself out into real life situations more often so I have that reality check, that I am not just this dream I created.

Thank you.

My Resistance - Day Ten

I went through several lessons in the DIP Lite, as it was stating some of the same things I have been dealing with in compiling a daily blog, the resistance. I haven't got out a pen and paper to truly analyze my inner world, but the computer does a good enough job I could say. Where you can edit and perfect what you are saying about yourself. If I am to get to the root of this resistance, it has several points to it, and one important one being is this interesting, do people really care about this, would I get any feedback that could be helpful in the future. I think many people that have seen my blogs could be amazed that I tossed that out of my psyche into a blog without much thoughts in doing such, it just came naturally as I have been working on self-improvement many years, so a lot of topics about relationships and all this are definitely not foreign to me, I am not naive about basically psychotherapy. I have been involved with it a long time to learn about some very specific things like triggers to enabling and codependency. The idea that was presented to me in writing these thoughts on paper, is hard, like the physical act is not common for me. I know my keyboard more than I do a pen, it has been years since specifically using pen and paper more than a computer. One of the key things I need to focus on is slowing down. My brain has a habit of spinning at great speeds that it is hard to materialize into a solid foundation. There always seems to be things I am chasing but I don't know where it has got me. So today, I am focusing on slowing down my thought processes and also that I am up against a personal resistance, like maybe that is TMI, maybe it's not interesting, if I state that have I given up on what I was previously up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get swept up, to not ground myself and to overthink about my situation. That the voices I hear in my head are triggering and I don't need to do anything to feed them in destabilizing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I give up on a lot of things, even when I have the time on my hands to achieve better for myself. That I don't take a breath and really meditate on some important issues to get more intimate with my inner world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I do have serious resistance, that it's difficult to find my time for this and that it's a bit of procrastination. That this is actually one thing that is helping me, much better than psychotherapy because I am applying my situation into documents, and that eventually I need to grab a pen and paper and just review this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I have limited my time in a day. I feel in the summer, in hot temperatures there is a lot less hours in one day. I can't explain it precisely but in general the heat zaps me of focus, it frays my thoughts and I spend a lot of time figuring out how to not get upset or irritated at situations that really don't bother me at other times of the year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I went head first into territory I didn't read, that reading certain things was exhausting and therefore all things are exhausting. I think in that fatigue you really get behind in keeping up with daily life and taking time for yourself.

Thank you.

Dull - Day Nine

I've had a delay in composing these blogs, for a few reasons, one being that I didn't know what direction I was going with this, the other being that I have to nitpick through my bigger issues and break it down into daily ideas, and the other reason was that a lot went on this week which to me centered around my control and lack thereof. My partner is participating in a group and it didn't go as planned, the group never existed and it seems they are just starting this idea, so the agency that is providing drug and alcohol counseling just didn't have their stuff together which ended up with me getting overly invested in making phone calls for next week. To make sure it happens. The good news is my partner has been sober this whole time and is looking forward to the group instead of feeling that I forced it on him. There has been a release of a lot of negativity in the household and that is pretty good for my peace of mind. The idea to do this daily, is basically getting to be a thing I should do, but also it would probably make for some boring and mundane thoughts and feelings that I don't usually think of broadcasting. Also with the direction of my writings, I don't know enough about Desteni to say what I am up to and if I am following any real guidelines. Even now I am pretty doubtful that I grasp what I am doing here.

Instead of asking self-forgiveness today and I am going to say I am grateful for the peace we have reached in my household and that I am determined to know more about what I am doing with this, what direction I should go, what I should read up on.

Please let me know because I am pretty confused right now and just am feeling intellectually dull about putting personal thoughts and feelings on paper.

Edit - Yes, I have navigated myself into the DIP Lite course.

Medicated - Day Eight

In this post, I will tell you that I have been in a war over treatment of a condition no one can truly prove, and that understanding that I could choose an alternative route, my mentality, my mood and functionality have mutated with the substances I was given by doctors that at this moment I can say provided a crutch that I can't live without unless better technology figured out a new way. These wars you wouldn't have to think about the pros and cons over it without being diagnosed, or in some way, against your will even, being put on these medications. I have had to remove some people from Facebook as almost a source of constant criticism over the fact that I took them, and the realization that just like people are allergic to an antibiotic, there are people that have severe and horrific reactions to mood stabilizing drugs. There is no clear answer for not only is there stigma, there is systemic issues regarding patients, that are taken advantage of by negative leaders as though a polarity was created between life and death. That I have to fight these heavy moods in me on a daily basis to affirm myself as living and qualified to be me. Not only do people who aren't related to someone with these conditions not know much about it, the general population is left out of the loop. The world of psychiatry is an immense maze that few people are fully conscious of, that impacts everyone, even to be used as marketing propaganda for things as benign as products for a newborn infant. I must forgive myself that I take these medications, as almost like a weakness to some.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be such a huge problem and question for myself. That I was significantly altered permanently by these medications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger and hostility to rise up in me as the prescribers of these medications didn't fully get the pain and anguish I was going through. That I harbored resentment against them and against the condition itself, that I needed these medications that are so strong, part of my emotional awareness simply died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that too much time went by for me to realize these are the new cards I have to deal with and I can't romanticize about how life was before because I can't exactly put together what others are experiencing and if it's that much different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I had envy for the life around me, that other people were experiencing a greater simplicity than me, that I wish I could do, wish I could be ignorant of this, and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this new realm of psychiatry was so complex, I wasted time by not researching at the appropriate times, that I have done so much research into so many other areas of social life, and that I realize that in the end it paid off.  I know the games being played on society and I am far removed from being distracted or hypnotized by things a lot of people consider normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed strange "fr-enemies" to constantly criticize me over the medications in ever more artful and creative ways. That these gurus didn't know what they were dealing with fully and that I would never act like them to anyone with mental illness understanding full well how sensitive the issue is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed doctors, trained professionals, to dehumanize me, to take away civil rights, to do things that people that know nothing about this can't even fathom the abuses that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be critical of my own condition, that I have weighed pros and cons, gone off and on medications in so many experiments, only to realize that I have basically mutated to needing these substances for focus and functionality. That I can't just toss them away, and that they aren't easy to deal with. Like hearing it's a matter of strength, that I am not masculine enough because I am addicted to pills, wherein fact those people really need to read about before saying anything about them.

Thank you.

Non-Sexual Adulthood - Day Seven

This has been on my mind, that there comes a point in being an observer of life the truth about sexual contact is diminished to distancing oneself to the bigger picture, understanding that attraction intellectually is preferable to blind lust for another, as that lust is merely for connection to those very sources of intellectual fervor. This is one of those giant problems in society and in the individual's mind. It consumes many matters in life from puberty until an equilibrium is reached in adulthood. There is merely too much going on intellectually to divorce myself from in order to chase after matters of the flesh. The point being it's not rewarding, there is a warmer love in life that isn't part of this, that is subtle and requires thought and connection on a higher spiritual plane that the concept of meshing so many boundaries, breaking a strict code of conduct for sexual contact is an error. There is so many matters that weigh heavily on those who make it to adulthood, that make understanding this concept so much easier. That intimacy is to gain closure with a connection to a host of intellectual sources and that this gratification is highly temporary and full of vulnerabilities, that the true person I am, doesn't come out of the closet in this way. The person that I am comes out in my thoughts and actions. I don't say this is it, that's the only way to think, but from experience, I too am vulnerable to repeating this, that I may some day in the future lose self-control and attempt this again, for any number of reasons. I am not immune. It is cast as sin, in the biblical sense, but in my sense as an effort I am unwilling to compromise my mind for. These are the matters that bring young men and women to Catholic confessionals or to a life devoted to God. That they are clearly wrong, something biologically is tormenting them and that obviously Christianity is clear in that message that I must overcome this, the members of my body must all act in accordance with the will of God and until then, I am offensive to him. It's the same as setting goals for exercise to lose weight, I am not socially acceptable unless I get to be thin through endurance and determination. Are the people around me willing to do that, for I know I am not willing to endure a series of exercises on a daily basis to achieve a better look. But what I can do, and what most likely the easiest answer is, is to see the problem within myself and stop my desires by knowing the simple truth, that attraction to me is for my mind and I am not a vampire, to give into indulgences of the flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to go on for so long, that I have made commitments before and broke them. That there is so much distortion in society to get to an answer. That this is personal for every individual and my closure may not be what others think about the issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in youth to engage in this behavior, that I didn't lay out an objective and say I will master this in so many years through endurance just as if I had a goal for the gym, to lay it out, and become the master of my body within so much time, that determination is what I lacked, and I forgive myself for not having the clear focus and endurance before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ideas in society to determine or aid me in my own sin, as comparisons and reasons to not always seek perfection or diligence in my ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this may not be the full answer, that there is much to learn and I can't stagnate over the reasons I screwed up before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that the answers by elders over these issues weren't taken to heart, that I had a wild mind that I could create my own system, my own religion, my own governance that was better, that I could be a source for others to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be on offense, that separated me from God, separated me from a clearer consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this truth to be distorted in me, just as the rest of society, weighing all these matters and not getting to the root of who I am on the individual level. That these issues are mine alone and that others can work out what they must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be a hindrance and confusion. That I am loved for who I am by so many people, that I must respect that and keep this on the down-low that I have dealt with this, that I have screwed up and am imperfect, that I can't guarantee it won't happen again, and that I must always accept myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to influence my behaviors and conception of this, and that I also must exercise sensitive care with this matter, to anyone that may ask it of me. It's not so simple, and is probably one of the greatest problems within society, that once again goes down to me as an individual, that I can say it stopped within me and that it's not an overnight project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I counted myself as separate or that I had an exceptional clause because my mind had a lot on it's plate. So many reasons that I can't even get to at the moment. That this is one issue that allows me to delve into my deeper and more personal problems.

Thank you.

Physical Reality - Day Six

Today I wanted to be really brief, as I laid out a lot of my issues this week, so I am just looking for a grounding at the moment, a way to live in the moment. In my realization, putting my thoughts into a document has really put into scope grasping my physical reality. Enjoying my physical reality. Learning to breathe and exist in these moments and go outside more often. I can explain that because of schizophrenia and medications the feeling is like this, traveling without real connection to your body or your own feet walking on the ground. It feels like something you have to reclaim or fight for. But why is it a constant struggle, are other people truly dreaming much of the time, that once they are comfortable they wonder within the mind and the peculiarities of the physical world around them changes meanings? I am not exactly sure, I can't say I understand all the people around me or the premise in which they share a reality, because to an extent there is a commonality that we have all agreed upon. So in brief my self-forgiveness is for me to feel freer and to enjoy living spaces, outdoor and in, with less time dreaming of something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to wonder, to not be in the moment, to get high in my own head without any substances but coffee and cigarettes. That being on the mania spectrum is not enjoyable, that my true freedom is in this grounding to my physical world, to see specific things in my backyard and exercise some self-control that I am here, this is my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream things into existence, that aren't real, to spend much time navigating a dream world that is merely that, it doesn't truly exist and though it may seem symbolic, it's not the reality of my day, it shouldn't dictate my decisions or my ability to go for a walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in that frenzy, that when I am feeling excited, I have to over-think a bit so I don't lose my footing, don't give up on what's real over what my mind has created, images that I often can't remember the following day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this inner-peace is better upon throwing my mind into a document and seeing it, saying, that is where I was today and I can learn from this, I can do better tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my physical reality to be nullified, that I haven't taken advantage of going outside more often and taking the walks I need to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the general fog in my head to prevent me from truly reading other people's posts, that a lot of what I am trying to do now is exit a big cloud and take what I can in seeing my friend's post and helping my older acquaintances out.  That I haven't read a lot of material that is suggested to me, that I am waiting for an opportunity to do such, but really it's about me taking that self-control and doing it.

Thank you.

Peace of Mind - Day Five

Got some feedback about my posts, and felt that one of the biggest areas that prevents me from getting into the details of my emotions is having an adequate peace of mind. There is so many things that can derail my peace of mind. Anger at the general state of affairs being the prime example of how I have displaced my local life for a more broader awareness of events that can be triggering. The grounding techniques are not always available to me, but it's also because I have limited myself. I sense paranoia at going into a wilderness area, and instead will watch videos about deforestation, so I have a duality that I have helped produce. Where it's well, I should go for a walk inside a forest before it gets torn down or goes up in flames. There is always this sense that this corporate world is destroying everything and I can't find a balance between my fight and awareness over it, and taking time for myself to understand how my heart and mind need to be balanced or restored. I think the mind is at war with the heart, the ego wants to gain ownership over so many things, instead of humbling oneself to the peace and tranquility that I have once known but have forgotten. The primary reason for my anger is so common, but again I am carrying the flames of that anger and it must be put out, for the same reasons others need to gain awareness over it. As the video I just watched showed, this colonial mega-power is dehumanizing and killing people far removed from this. People that could teach me the lessons to get to the bottom of my heart. Old cultures that didn't lose their worth because we decided it was advantageous to uproot their entire way of life with bombs and explosions. So you see, it's a shared duality, where I am on the "winning" side, I get to enjoy the benefits of not living under this threat, but I am named, in a sense, part of the threat to other people that I feel morally obligated to say should not die. That this is removed from me, but yet it still goes on so I must do more to stop it, instead of merely saying I have washed my hands clean. And what am I doing about it, providing information, being more adapt at sifting through media with broader awareness. And is my position in spreading this information actually causing other people to take it upon themselves to go through it or awaken them.  There is so much that I have gone through to the point of finding the trusted sources that explain well, what is going on, but is there so much distortion already that I have limited myself to this, without appealing people to truly understand it's a responsibility that should be taken upon every individual. So drawing all of that back into my space and tranquility, what I can do to bring my focus back to my situation and my balance is going to take time and I realize it's not easy.  This is the basis for my self-forgiveness of today, how can I take this big spectrum of what's going on and not feel that it's an emergency, ground myself, bathe in a forest to meditate on my surroundings for clarity and focus to get tuned deeper into my heart and peace of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that a tempest rage be brought up in me at any mention of disruption, human tragedy, disasters and unnecessary death. That I feel this anguish for it to end, that it is tearing me apart that there is few to stand up against it, that I have slowly been pulled under some ideas of accepting it as part of my perpetual background noise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not getting to the root of my problems, brushing over the surface, because I am lacking my attention, my focus.  That tranquility seems like it takes effort or can be done in alternative ways when actually I need to take a walk, go into a wilderness area and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this peace of mind to be stolen from me, that I knew well what it was, but somehow it got lost, it got jumbled up in a massive storm of distortion that society created and I can't ignore it completely to take time for myself, to take a certain amount of effort to change my scenery and meditate on simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed simplicity to not be simple.  That I have taken in so many ideas from many spiritual teachers about how to get there that the reality of doing it myself is untangling this mess of slogans for the simple truth that is always inside of the messages I take to heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that it's going to take time, that I have to say with these writings and with my life there is a process that doesn't happen overnight of gaining back my local life, being in my body and experiencing the life around me as it happens, to breathe without cigarettes the nature of my community or going beyond into the wilderness to take advantage that it's summer, and that when I was a child these discoveries happened all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind and ego to overrule my heart and emotions, that I got out of touch with feeling this and instead took over the role of rationalizing life. That I took these broader events of the world to mean much greater things than how I conduct myself in life, not living by example but merely absorbing information.

I most likely have hit a point where I can go on about this, so, this is a process for me that has opened new possibilities today, each day, because I am putting into focus my life, having this structure and guidance to say things that will help me achieve that tranquility.  I have to give myself time for it to fall into place.  If I keep at this, I can see it will be fruitful.

Thank you.

Surfacing and Gratitude - Day Four

After talking over some pretty interesting things, I have a better grip at what to say in thanks and appreciation for the feedback I have received and the outlet this writing has provided. I was going to cover some personal things that I understand are important, but often gets neglected or something you don't have to do twice, when in reality it's a constant struggle that goes by the name of boundaries. With your partner, with yourself and with the world around you. Clearly this had a lot to do with my comrade and roommate, (who we don't necessarily use the term partner, but nonetheless it works), for a structured program he is beginning. His own version of self-improvement through participation in recovery from his addictions. Perhaps after this, he could start a blog of his own, but for right now, I was reminded today of how serious his voyage is and how I am supposed to act and be supportive of it. I was in a dream world of just taking him to appointments to not understand the reality that this is a serious thing that takes work, and has a direct impact on me as well. So, even though it was feeling remedial, that I have heard this before, it finally stuck that I have to get a bit more serious about how this is going to work out on my part, what I have to do, what I have to support, what I have to avoid, what I have to say no to and so on.  He has been a self-sabotaging force of his own when it comes to a rigid structure in his life and that's exactly what they are expecting and how this program works, so I am getting prepared, remembering the hang-ups of before and realizing that he is doing well and this would be the icing on the cake of him truly being done with addiction.

So with that being said, I am also appreciative of the Desteni organization and am being as flat out as possible, once he is initiated into this program, it will relieve a burden I have to actually get to work with reading up on all the information provided and get caught up on my own book list and film list that I have left lingering.  I wanted to ask forgiveness in simple terms, in all relationships to my boundaries and how I can be impacted without even knowing, getting to the root of the causes of my grief as today I was asked to visualize what it would be like with someone else, or alone, as a real thing that may matter, if he truly screwed up, which isn't likely so that is good. It was going through the motions of what happens on a day to day basis and thinking well, if I really want certain behaviors to stop I have got to explain, not in an argument, but civilly, that in reality I can't put up with that, and I can't ignore that forever, so this is what behaviors you need to change and this is what behaviors I need to change.  Hopefully I can put together self-forgiveness in the form that it comes in with a domestic relationship, sharing a roof with another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed extremely low points in my relationship with my partner, that I haven't been vigilant in keeping up with his moods and mindset to truly be supportive, and that this has been a sabotaging force in my life, that addiction is a terrible thing that can't be taken lightly.  That even though time has gone by, with sobriety, it lingers until the behavior within our relationship really takes a turn towards a common goal, and mainly being above ground and civil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed some serious problems to just exist as the elephant in the room, sorta speak, that yes, we have a problem, but today I don't want to get my hands dirty, I don't want to know about it, so I'll just be ignorant and pretend it doesn't exist, at least for today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my boundaries, my self-respect to be a questionable factor impacted by my mood instead of taking direct responsibility that it's in my power to say what my boundaries are and expect that, without argument but agreement, some hang-ups to daily living could be greatly improved provided I just stay on track.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed just letting my mind wonder from this, that I can be quite content in my own world without fulling grasping that the support he needed was more broader, there was much more on the table to choose from than what we did, and that finally it's coming together.  That I need professionals within the addiction recovery program to instruct me on some basic and remedial things to me, that I simply just forget about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that the signs I should be looking at, is am I content this way, am I doing the things I need to do to feel satisfied, the great indicators of my mood that I ignore, why can't they be something I remind myself of, why do I slowly forget to see these blatant signs that I am not well, that I have got off track.

It's a really complicated thing to be involved with addiction. When the person impacted can go from being content to being a danger very quickly. Or even be shocking in what they are capable of doing. Through the entire situation I have realized my partner is willing to change, improve, live normally, so it's not like get out of the door right now, but in the moment of being pulled into the moods that get created you can find yourself saying and feeling just that.

There is a lot more that I can say on this subject but the second part I want to say is gratitude for meeting all the people involved with Desteni.

I am full of gratitude that this can be an outlet, that I can bounce ideas off others, read what others are battling and truly identify that I have been there, I have experienced that as well. I am grateful for the chance to meet so many people determined for self-recovery whether it is a serious problem like mental illness or addiction, to rather complicated but less severe problems about thought processes, changing your thinking, your belief systems and structures. I commend people that have been involved before in addiction who know the satisfaction of being really stern that I can change behaviors, I can enforce boundaries to the point of getting real results to saying, wow, by stating something so simple I changed the general discourse of an entire day!

Thank you.

System Overload - Day Three

I wanted to say, that I have had a day where the information does not compute.  Many objectives that I had in social justice I see mirrored in other people, to the extent, it does not help for me to join, but rather gather myself for the next moment I may need strength. We all have been looking for clues, digging into conspiracy, questioning what is real that the idea of the truth coming out from the elite seems far fetched, like you would have to pry it out of their hands while they tried to take it to their graves.  It gave me the concept of the "third ego" as though there has been so much mudslinging against everything imaginable that we have to collect the pieces on the ground and use rudimentary skills to express it's possible to live with knowledge, that the external world will still exist upon you taking a moment for yourself to truly immerse yourself in everything you have fought for up to this point.

There is these electronic vibes that doesn't translate into everyday living, into face to face communication that it seems like the breaking point is near.  That for better or worse you will have to accept certain things, there is certain limitations in everyone's life that once reached, it's not such a big deal. Instead of zeal and envy, thirsting for righteousness, you'll have to come to terms that you made it pretty far and it's time to meditate on the whole collection you got while searching the metaphysical landscape for every shred of substance the human race will still need to go on. The question is what would you do with power at your disposal, for we have had glimpses at the entire careers of notable figures and their youth was not so different.  We know their injustices, their corruption, their intent, and it seems that the longer you are a victim to fighting fire with fire, you will never be able to toss them down or have equal footing with "them".  What have they taken from you, time, security, financial comfort, all to be considered part of a new educated peasantry, that to them is nothing, because they understand they have the tools of manipulation at their disposal.

I want other people to understand the commonality of fighting for justice, that even those on a different side of a political spectrum see as clear as day the same things you might, it's just the language and background is different. So, when I am asking forgiveness for myself here, it is about fighting, in all these minuscule ways for justice and equity that I haven't won a trophy for, that may have been seen differently than the intent. From them, an elite, a group of people claiming you have every right to accede to this American Dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I was blind, that I couldn't see everything for what it really was, that not many have all vision at their disposal and that tossing the fire around only helps wildfires and not a targeted destination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my grounding over being too volatile, too wrapped up in the feelings of victim-hood, the feeling of being caught in a war that wasn't exactly explained to me in any civil manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed, that I had extreme amounts of envy to take and learn for myself if there wasn't a class for it, whatever I could as the truth, the roots that I felt criminals stole, maybe from me, but more likely everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste valuable time obsessing over issues that I wanted everyone to know about, political and social crimes, wars and terror attacks. That just by shouting in redundancy that this happened, I didn't help create an answer that other people could understand.

Sorry that today is short, there is actually a lot happening on our social media in politics, in the world. Crimes and elections, to wars and coups in Turkey and elsewhere.  If I could do anything it is to provide substance, use substance, so that at a later day of exercising this practice, much more can flow through me.

Thank you.

Misconception or Persecution - Day Two

I wanted to lay out some feelings that can be very strong for me.  I was diagnosed as schizophrenic a decade ago, and one of the first things I felt was alienation from belonging to society, like a label was going to be a big part of my identity, and the only way that it was so forceful was that I was actually medicated against my will with drugs that nullify most aspects of your general personality.  They are capable of being recovered but in my journey and meeting others, it's not for people that aren't proactive or research the insanity of this entire system that claims you are not mentally healthy. There is more aspects to it than this, there is a "dangerous" label associated with schizophrenia, that you have been targeted and removed from most general functions of society and are viewed differently and in different layers, of what other people refer to as a stigma, that is very real, but more pronounced based on your level of functioning.  There was this search, like wanting to know what is in your mind, that I even shared, what was in my mind, obviously, that was what was in question, so I'd have to explore some of these experiences that shaped my mind, which are extremely complicated. And again it goes back to an alienation or perception of myself as somehow separated from everyone else, that I was watching them live a life, that technically they were trying to show me as the only way to live. So this multiplied in my relationships with other people and organizations within society that each had their own unique way of expressing dialogue with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a misconception of who I was, a personification of who I was to be made up by others.  To be examined without respecting what I remembered of who I used to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwindle inside of a fog and not assert myself during these questioning years of my psyche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my identity to be something that I had to figure out and not who I was, that I had gotten off track from society and couldn't figure out my footing to join it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief in a stigma against me that stunted me from expressing my concern for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed misconceptions to be permitted over my disbelief in myself, that I couldn't compile an adequate position in which to speak from and even, leaving behind or stagnating relationships with my family, simply because there was an overarching label placed on me that I had a lot of difficulty figuring out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be present at crucial moments in the people in my life's lives.  That I didn't understand my connection to them, and wasn't capable of offering my best at their grievous moments.

That brings the second part of this into question which I had laid bare before me today by a close friend also suffering from mental illness and not getting the help they needed, or should be receiving in coping with this.  With the other part, about what's expected out of you, for at times many of us with mental illness, just like physical illness have been bed bound and sapped of motivation to clean and do all the normal things healthy people may take for granted without knowing how many people truly do suffer.  The problem is that it can be seen what a physically disabled person is capable of whereas with mental illness we are capable of talking and moving, it's just not that it's easy, an invisible world is haunting us and preventing us from participating in daily tasks. It was brought to my attention how difficult being supportive of some of my family members is, when it feels like I am on a sickbed and the exertion to snap out of that and be of use and available to others is severely questionable and I would be more content, to be visited as a disabled person. Not to mention they almost tell us that after all this hell we have been through with psychiatry, if you get better you should find a vocation, which would only burden us even more, it wouldn't provide connection, it would be like asking homeless veterans to snap out of it and go into a professional field of duty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be denigrated, and become even more disabled than I was at the start of this.  That I pushed others away and made it more difficult for me to be of use to close friends and relatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be of use and available to people I truly cared about but couldn't keep up with in person.  That I resorted to being on a sickbed and preferred electronic relationships or phone calls over meeting others in normal places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart in more ways than one, and not keep up with the people around me.  That I viewed myself in a way that I should have more visitors for my condition than I in reality did and that I couldn't cope with many aspects of how mental health care is operated.

That is all I can come up with today, these points I am making I can elaborate on, so this is just trying to create a background that I can expand on later to get more intrinsic with some of my real focused problems.

Thank you.

Overcoming Negativity - Day One

I'm attempting something new, for me.  My long time friend Tormod has been participating in a group called Desteni, and after meeting other members from it, I was confronted with a challenge to attempt this iterations of self-forgiveness, this is the format used to achieve a better self-honesty, and I do have some things I need to get off my chest and it starts right now with having a negative and pessimistic attitude.

The format is rather simple: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed......

So, to begin this well, in the thesis of negativity, it has a lot to do with my intellect, my brain working against me. Overthinking, over-analyzing, over-controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my brain to create a pessimistic world view, and that I have blocked out many possible outcomes for my life and hindered myself from achieving a better quality of life.

It may have always been going on, but, the instance that I began to harbor resentment of others was in college.  I had my intelligence mocked, I was manipulated, I had no peers that I could count on.  I was involved in a relationship with a megalomaniac that even used my meager attempts at friendship in California as ammunition for my self worth in a society that I never knew much about.  Once my intelligence was insulted, I did everything I could to catch up, like it was a race and there was always more to know.  I fought and resisted so many forces that could have been good for me, to take over lists of films and books that were prized as the great works of our times.  I was precise, going to great lengths to read information about classes I wasn't even in and focusing on critical theory.  I wanted a defense, a solid defense, that my background could be made up for and I was just as privileged as the others as long as I took up the slack that separated me from the great wealth and status that some of the other students at this university had.  Not only was my intelligence at stake, but my family background, everything.  It became a maddening force that I could no longer cope with, so upon meeting new friends that relieved the burden of caring about the university, I met Ted, my life partner and basically ran away, ran across the country, took a plane to Ireland and than a ferry to France.  We vowed to never return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to create a biography of me that was only paper value and not who I was truly, that I allowed others to dictate my character or claim what I was capable of and what I wasn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another person to be so persuasive in my worldview and to manipulate and shape my existence that had nothing to do with what I really wanted out of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a university to be so time consuming to my identity and never getting relief from it's troubles or meeting anyone that was good for me to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed depictions of what I did, what my choices were with Ted to affect me so much.  I was naive to what I was up to, and my awareness wasn't as it was today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fact that I ran away from my problems and for it to be such a serious consequence in facing them.

Ted, who still lives with me today, has problems, it wasn't clear upon meeting him what they were. Now at this point it is classified as drug and alcohol addiction that he is clear of after much fighting, arguing, and his participation in educational classes about his addiction. It was arduous in dealing with these issues, for they didn't become so glaring until a few years ago, where as before it was forgiven that he could handle himself to a degree.  I became controlling, and he became co-dependent on my enabling personality that I have had to correct.  Our fights were bitter at times, and it was abusive to have to participate in it.  The only thing that was in his favor is the ability to explain and negotiate or compromise to stay above the surface with me.  For many people said it was too much to deal with, no ordinary person would put up with this, but I wasn't ordinary, and neither is Ted, and he did recover much to the dismay of others that may only live to desire the failures of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a relationship with an addict that was hellish to put up with at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to take many sides on either party of our relationship and that I had to cope with this while also dealing with my own psyche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed much of this burden to weigh me down, and to make it poignant that I had slowly developed a negative and pessimistic view of the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at others in darker lights than what they are accustomed to and lived in a paranoid state over who I could trust because of it.

This is the conclusion that I have come to today as I don't know what else to share about myself at this moment in time.

The last iteration is I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my intelligence to deem many things irrelevant or strange including Tormod's investment in this group, and the premise that it is not something I fully understand.

Thank you.