Self-Importance - Day Eleven

I made it to a point of introspection and my partner offered me some insight, that my style of communication has a conceited tone to him, that I don't pick up on, but it allowed me to see myself and explain how I got to this point. I have had issues at being forceful over miscommunication, to the point I went above and beyond in explanation to make sure it didn't happen, and this occurred for various reasons, and a lot of it has to do with educational background. If I were to digress and say I am going to live without this, than it's a bit foggy, like I am relaxing my understanding to act a certain way and not be so assertive or thinking I need to be in control or even overbearing, to the point I think some of the people I have talked with sensed that I was describing an emergency. It still is quite a lot to unpack, but I am thinking about it better, that I have been isolated from normal conversations that there is more importance placed on the times I do speak, and even going over what I said, what they said. With Facebook being a medium I have had extensive practice at editing and perfecting my online identity and it seems I have got to reel in that fishing into the abyss out of the screen and into my physical surroundings. The other end of this is a level of narcissism I have picked up, that I have had to make myself important even when everything else suggests I am not. I had something to keep up with and it probably turned into deeper self-defense mechanisms that revolved around me creating my own world, my own dream to exist within, where other things that happened were outside of me, and didn't particularly involve me. Within this dream I created this identity but it wavers, it's not solid in real life because I don't associate that much with people on a daily basis and it's something I want to correct a bit, but because of being medicated it is hard to achieve. I simply lack the stamina for a whole day of interaction, and often prefer a dream I have created to having my bubble burst by people that aren't within my familiar zone of comfort. Basically what society generalizes in judgment I want nothing to do with, because in my care of others I do listen and tend to their needs. In some cases of being in a virtual relationship, there is always a point where some people would say they outgrew the other, but I think it has more to do with, I have offered all I can and unless you are under the same roof as me it's probably best for you to reach out to other people besides me.

I want to release this burden of being self-important, and realize that I am what I am, that somethings about my character are pretty hardwired, so I should focus on the acceptance of some attributes and strive towards correcting ones that are perceived without humility or without my sense of belonging to a situation or community of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that it was all about me, or us, my partner included. That so many things were of course signs and symbols that I was privileged to and without comparing myself to others, were pretty significant over real life issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that throughout university and everything else there has been some narcissistic and egotistical people that have rubbed off on me, that even if I was in opposition to their behaviors they did shape me in a way and I can't undo it so easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that my insistence on communicating was so important, reviewing my words over another and not leveling out and being one with the moment and connected to the other people I was engaged with. That is probably my most important thing I have learned recently is connection beats all else, to strive towards making that connection to another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a lot of strange things to be reasons for me being alive and what I am going to do. That I was being selected out of all of humanity to receive specific information that only I could interpret and that, that is pretty crazy in itself. Had I kept it more subtle I could have had a better grasp on reality and not suffered so intensely from schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overbearing and perfectionist, that I have made certain judgments on others simply because I couldn't rationalize their input into my formulas I created, that probably they had no problems talking with others in similar shoes, but all this knowledge and information I picked up caused me to say that's an iffy situation, not too sure I want to be friends or talk with this individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fact of not working on this area, that I was in it to take some thoughts for my own worldview and not be part of this world view. That in so many situations I could pause the moment, and tell myself to be objective and that this has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that in the future I am still prone to these habits and I have to break them down a bit so I can unpack this and see what I am willing to correct and just put myself out into real life situations more often so I have that reality check, that I am not just this dream I created.

Thank you.