I've recollected my thoughts, maybe grounded myself a little bit more, and have to address this, that recovery isn't easy for my partner, to the point that I have decided to take a class for it. There has been periods where this problem didn't exist, but when he is pressured as in doing out-patient treatment, than all the sudden the seduction becomes more enticing to skip class and to relapse. It has driven me insane at times that it all depends on him applying himself, when in the case he isn't working on it, why should I just be ignorant to the problem. I made some phone calls and figured a way for me to take a separate class that he wouldn't want to take. It just reached a point where I am not going to stand idly by and see if he sabotages himself or succeeds and I realized something last night. That the application of self to writing and attending class can be pressured on him by me, that if I state the facts in a rational way it provokes serious rage in him that he has to face this problem or fall apart to it, and luckily that initial prodding of his behavior didn't drive him over the wall and I was able to facilitate his struggle into ways that he may have ignored last night but had to have sunk in by now.
The realization of me being an enabler of this, that when he puts the pressure on me, I blow up and figure he is going to bother me until he gets his way is what I need to fix. That I can't be lazy about this, this has become a monstrous problem and I have to apply my skills at breaking this down and getting him to apply himself to writing, to doing work on his computer, to read the books that were given to him. The counselors he has met that facilitate his group he likes, he likes what they gave him to look at and the only problem is that they weren't as encouraging as needed for him to attend every time bracket he signed up for. Somehow I have to take up this slack and guide him. You can bring a horse to water but can't force them to drink, but maybe if I wasn't uneducated in what is going on in these classes, I could take a different role with this elephant in the room.
I am asking myself forgiveness for all the behaviors that I have done that have enabled him or made him disinterested in achieving this goal, that he can face and solve his problems on his own, provided that he have a support team that wants him to be successful which includes me as a big character in his life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be neutral, enabling, defeatist in the face of his determination to relapse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this problem to get way out of hand, that I need to pull it in, closer to Earth, that he can't float around not knowing all the people he sees really want him to succeed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this rage in me to go beyond my limits, that with any pressure on me, I blew up and gave in to him relapsing, that it infuriates me and I can't rationalize these emotions and say what's right at those moments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that every time I knew what to say it was at the worst time, that I need to step back and be smart about when to say the right thing and when not to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy to this problem, that I could have tackled it better before had I known the extent of what I was dealing with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate in response to this growing dilemma instead of thinking of some more smart choices, choices to educate myself, to go through the material he has with him and to take on other materials just for my self-knowledge.
Thank you.
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