Agoraphobia - Day Fifteen

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.


I wanted to discuss my negative emotions versus the positive feelings of hope to resist these certain fears that I have often gone through when leaving my house. It seems insane to believe that many people suffer from this in one way or another or on a spectrum of how much pressure is on any individual to leave their house to an uncomfortable situation. The problem is that I have exuberant feelings to tackle things outside of my house but the emotions and irrational fear come in that I am comfortable just the way I am in my house and it's not that important. It's made me not participate in important events within my family to taking certain steps towards a better future and I am constantly reminded that my sense of freedom is undermined by this fear that comes over me that I have left the house, the animals aren't safe, my partner isn't safe, I am not safe, when away.

It feels dumb to be so crippled by this sense of fear and it has shaped the things I do and memories of the things I remembered doing years ago without such restraint. I'd often go to parks and scenic areas to enjoy some time in nature, but it's become so compelling to not do those things and stay put. That I have grown even more cozy with the idea of not leaving the house and that it is almost the end of summer here and I haven't taken a vacation or done anything necessary to enjoy the time.

I want to forgive myself for these fears and try and reclaim my life to do things as I please and go see nature and drive places again, or even take a plane at some point to visit my sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so comfortable in my house, to let fears get the best of me, to constantly worry about all the variables involved in leaving my front door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed irrational emotions and fears to rule my life, that bad things were going to happen and the more likely it would occur the longer I was away from my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that snipers and mass shootings were going to be after me like I was the target for so many things, that I didn't want to risk it, as if I needed bodyguards to protect me going to the grocery store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I have not done things like show up and participate in important events for my nephews and niece and that it's so complicated for me to coordinate leaving my house and I have to know so many details in order to just feel safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my dogs for a walk when they really needed to get out of the house and explore. That I have been bad at being their human parent for their curiosity about what's beyond the house and yard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these fears to take so much control over whether I am going to take care of something, if I am going to take my partner, or if it's more convenient for me to go alone so I can get my groceries or supplies quickly and not be seen by anyone.

Thank you.