This has been on my mind, that there comes a point in being an observer of life the truth about sexual contact is diminished to distancing oneself to the bigger picture, understanding that attraction intellectually is preferable to blind lust for another, as that lust is merely for connection to those very sources of intellectual fervor. This is one of those giant problems in society and in the individual's mind. It consumes many matters in life from puberty until an equilibrium is reached in adulthood. There is merely too much going on intellectually to divorce myself from in order to chase after matters of the flesh. The point being it's not rewarding, there is a warmer love in life that isn't part of this, that is subtle and requires thought and connection on a higher spiritual plane that the concept of meshing so many boundaries, breaking a strict code of conduct for sexual contact is an error. There is so many matters that weigh heavily on those who make it to adulthood, that make understanding this concept so much easier. That intimacy is to gain closure with a connection to a host of intellectual sources and that this gratification is highly temporary and full of vulnerabilities, that the true person I am, doesn't come out of the closet in this way. The person that I am comes out in my thoughts and actions. I don't say this is it, that's the only way to think, but from experience, I too am vulnerable to repeating this, that I may some day in the future lose self-control and attempt this again, for any number of reasons. I am not immune. It is cast as sin, in the biblical sense, but in my sense as an effort I am unwilling to compromise my mind for. These are the matters that bring young men and women to Catholic confessionals or to a life devoted to God. That they are clearly wrong, something biologically is tormenting them and that obviously Christianity is clear in that message that I must overcome this, the members of my body must all act in accordance with the will of God and until then, I am offensive to him. It's the same as setting goals for exercise to lose weight, I am not socially acceptable unless I get to be thin through endurance and determination. Are the people around me willing to do that, for I know I am not willing to endure a series of exercises on a daily basis to achieve a better look. But what I can do, and what most likely the easiest answer is, is to see the problem within myself and stop my desires by knowing the simple truth, that attraction to me is for my mind and I am not a vampire, to give into indulgences of the flesh.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to go on for so long, that I have made commitments before and broke them. That there is so much distortion in society to get to an answer. That this is personal for every individual and my closure may not be what others think about the issue.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in youth to engage in this behavior, that I didn't lay out an objective and say I will master this in so many years through endurance just as if I had a goal for the gym, to lay it out, and become the master of my body within so much time, that determination is what I lacked, and I forgive myself for not having the clear focus and endurance before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ideas in society to determine or aid me in my own sin, as comparisons and reasons to not always seek perfection or diligence in my ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this may not be the full answer, that there is much to learn and I can't stagnate over the reasons I screwed up before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that the answers by elders over these issues weren't taken to heart, that I had a wild mind that I could create my own system, my own religion, my own governance that was better, that I could be a source for others to see.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be on offense, that separated me from God, separated me from a clearer consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this truth to be distorted in me, just as the rest of society, weighing all these matters and not getting to the root of who I am on the individual level. That these issues are mine alone and that others can work out what they must.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be a hindrance and confusion. That I am loved for who I am by so many people, that I must respect that and keep this on the down-low that I have dealt with this, that I have screwed up and am imperfect, that I can't guarantee it won't happen again, and that I must always accept myself as imperfect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to influence my behaviors and conception of this, and that I also must exercise sensitive care with this matter, to anyone that may ask it of me. It's not so simple, and is probably one of the greatest problems within society, that once again goes down to me as an individual, that I can say it stopped within me and that it's not an overnight project.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I counted myself as separate or that I had an exceptional clause because my mind had a lot on it's plate. So many reasons that I can't even get to at the moment. That this is one issue that allows me to delve into my deeper and more personal problems.
Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment