Physical Reality - Day Six

Today I wanted to be really brief, as I laid out a lot of my issues this week, so I am just looking for a grounding at the moment, a way to live in the moment. In my realization, putting my thoughts into a document has really put into scope grasping my physical reality. Enjoying my physical reality. Learning to breathe and exist in these moments and go outside more often. I can explain that because of schizophrenia and medications the feeling is like this, traveling without real connection to your body or your own feet walking on the ground. It feels like something you have to reclaim or fight for. But why is it a constant struggle, are other people truly dreaming much of the time, that once they are comfortable they wonder within the mind and the peculiarities of the physical world around them changes meanings? I am not exactly sure, I can't say I understand all the people around me or the premise in which they share a reality, because to an extent there is a commonality that we have all agreed upon. So in brief my self-forgiveness is for me to feel freer and to enjoy living spaces, outdoor and in, with less time dreaming of something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to wonder, to not be in the moment, to get high in my own head without any substances but coffee and cigarettes. That being on the mania spectrum is not enjoyable, that my true freedom is in this grounding to my physical world, to see specific things in my backyard and exercise some self-control that I am here, this is my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream things into existence, that aren't real, to spend much time navigating a dream world that is merely that, it doesn't truly exist and though it may seem symbolic, it's not the reality of my day, it shouldn't dictate my decisions or my ability to go for a walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in that frenzy, that when I am feeling excited, I have to over-think a bit so I don't lose my footing, don't give up on what's real over what my mind has created, images that I often can't remember the following day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this inner-peace is better upon throwing my mind into a document and seeing it, saying, that is where I was today and I can learn from this, I can do better tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my physical reality to be nullified, that I haven't taken advantage of going outside more often and taking the walks I need to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the general fog in my head to prevent me from truly reading other people's posts, that a lot of what I am trying to do now is exit a big cloud and take what I can in seeing my friend's post and helping my older acquaintances out.  That I haven't read a lot of material that is suggested to me, that I am waiting for an opportunity to do such, but really it's about me taking that self-control and doing it.

Thank you.