Agoraphobia - Day Fifteen

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.


I wanted to discuss my negative emotions versus the positive feelings of hope to resist these certain fears that I have often gone through when leaving my house. It seems insane to believe that many people suffer from this in one way or another or on a spectrum of how much pressure is on any individual to leave their house to an uncomfortable situation. The problem is that I have exuberant feelings to tackle things outside of my house but the emotions and irrational fear come in that I am comfortable just the way I am in my house and it's not that important. It's made me not participate in important events within my family to taking certain steps towards a better future and I am constantly reminded that my sense of freedom is undermined by this fear that comes over me that I have left the house, the animals aren't safe, my partner isn't safe, I am not safe, when away.

It feels dumb to be so crippled by this sense of fear and it has shaped the things I do and memories of the things I remembered doing years ago without such restraint. I'd often go to parks and scenic areas to enjoy some time in nature, but it's become so compelling to not do those things and stay put. That I have grown even more cozy with the idea of not leaving the house and that it is almost the end of summer here and I haven't taken a vacation or done anything necessary to enjoy the time.

I want to forgive myself for these fears and try and reclaim my life to do things as I please and go see nature and drive places again, or even take a plane at some point to visit my sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so comfortable in my house, to let fears get the best of me, to constantly worry about all the variables involved in leaving my front door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed irrational emotions and fears to rule my life, that bad things were going to happen and the more likely it would occur the longer I was away from my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that snipers and mass shootings were going to be after me like I was the target for so many things, that I didn't want to risk it, as if I needed bodyguards to protect me going to the grocery store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I have not done things like show up and participate in important events for my nephews and niece and that it's so complicated for me to coordinate leaving my house and I have to know so many details in order to just feel safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my dogs for a walk when they really needed to get out of the house and explore. That I have been bad at being their human parent for their curiosity about what's beyond the house and yard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these fears to take so much control over whether I am going to take care of something, if I am going to take my partner, or if it's more convenient for me to go alone so I can get my groceries or supplies quickly and not be seen by anyone.

Thank you.

Recovery - Day Fourteen

I've recollected my thoughts, maybe grounded myself a little bit more, and have to address this, that recovery isn't easy for my partner, to the point that I have decided to take a class for it. There has been periods where this problem didn't exist, but when he is pressured as in doing out-patient treatment, than all the sudden the seduction becomes more enticing to skip class and to relapse. It has driven me insane at times that it all depends on him applying himself, when in the case he isn't working on it, why should I just be ignorant to the problem. I made some phone calls and figured a way for me to take a separate class that he wouldn't want to take. It just reached a point where I am not going to stand idly by and see if he sabotages himself or succeeds and I realized something last night. That the application of self to writing and attending class can be pressured on him by me, that if I state the facts in a rational way it provokes serious rage in him that he has to face this problem or fall apart to it, and luckily that initial prodding of his behavior didn't drive him over the wall and I was able to facilitate his struggle into ways that he may have ignored last night but had to have sunk in by now.

The realization of me being an enabler of this, that when he puts the pressure on me, I blow up and figure he is going to bother me until he gets his way is what I need to fix. That I can't be lazy about this, this has become a monstrous problem and I have to apply my skills at breaking this down and getting him to apply himself to writing, to doing work on his computer, to read the books that were given to him. The counselors he has met that facilitate his group he likes, he likes what they gave him to look at and the only problem is that they weren't as encouraging as needed for him to attend every time bracket he signed up for. Somehow I have to take up this slack and guide him. You can bring a horse to water but can't force them to drink, but maybe if I wasn't uneducated in what is going on in these classes, I could take a different role with this elephant in the room.

I am asking myself forgiveness for all the behaviors that I have done that have enabled him or made him disinterested in achieving this goal, that he can face and solve his problems on his own, provided that he have a support team that wants him to be successful which includes me as a big character in his life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be neutral, enabling, defeatist in the face of his determination to relapse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this problem to get way out of hand, that I need to pull it in, closer to Earth, that he can't float around not knowing all the people he sees really want him to succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this rage in me to go beyond my limits, that with any pressure on me, I blew up and gave in to him relapsing, that it infuriates me and I can't rationalize these emotions and say what's right at those moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that every time I knew what to say it was at the worst time, that I need to step back and be smart about when to say the right thing and when not to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy to this problem, that I could have tackled it better before had I known the extent of what I was dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate in response to this growing dilemma instead of thinking of some more smart choices, choices to educate myself, to go through the material he has with him and to take on other materials just for my self-knowledge.

Thank you.

Gifts and Deficits - Day Thirteen

I had a delay but it was because I was dealing with a personal disappointment, but now that it is over I have a topic fresh in my mind that I could cover. It's two ends of a spectrum that I would call <put together vs being a mess> or even <on the surface vs underground>. In all these personal battles I have had with my partner there is a time for everything. What I know to be right is to build on the positives, create a better reality by promoting the gifts of another over criticizing their faults. To me it is personal with this mental illness hovering about me that some doctors before medications called "writhing in agony" that it was an idea for every time I become a mess with myself, a problem has arisen, something I couldn't foresee and this makes it much more easier to see faults and disappointment and focus on criticizing myself and others for these deficits. In a moment of giving advice I realize the term put yourself together was what I needed to hear but didn't know that every time I put myself together I am on the surface, I am capable of being of assistance, and slowly with enough practice that is my advice. Rationalize your issues, put them in perspective and move on. It wasn't easy to get there and I see it in some of the groups that people are truly suffering with nothing to grab hold of, and it's hard to explain what they need to do to get it together because it's real, the pain is real.

With my partner I want to get across that I am going to promote the best, that I want to congratulate them on a job well done, or doing a program to make them a better person. But when they fall apart, it could ricochet for me to fall apart and quickly go back underground where there is no light to show the way out and you have to again struggle and fight just to get back to where you were, but I realize with practice it gets easier and the problems and issues we had get explained. In considering others that don't deal with this, they have a hardwired purpose about their way, and for us that have questioned ourselves we don't claim we know the best purpose, it's more like an evolving situation that we can witness and even participate in by watching the flow that humanity is going which is better than going to them and claiming something that is a foretold notion or anything that can be perceived as crazy, so most people understand to keep it to themselves. So this is about the struggle, the grabbing hold of real things, tangible things to stay on top of yourself, that I have to forgive myself the trouble it caused to undermine the stability of my partner and myself for this critique of deficits and faults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed you to think I was giving up on you when actually I have nothing better to do than wait for you to stand on your own feet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hostile angry shouting to come out of me at everything I deemed wrong and not smart, that I get too involved and that my feelings are less important because I am more adaptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I am capable of making irrational decisions, that I don't have it all together myself, and that I can use my knowledge as ammunition, when actually I am trying to be encouraging, it's just not the appropriate time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient, that I have thought how life is easier when I am thinking only about myself. There is nothing that demanding that I would leave anyone behind, but as the walk of nature, there is things that I am not going to dive into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that my advice was better than people trained academically in addiction recovery. That I felt I had a better grasp of what to do before doing some research to understand it's a long term problem that won't be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that at times it feels like I am performing a long term assisted suicide that could be twenty years. That it was so grim it felt like that was the goal was to just feel hopeless there was a future to believe in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my temper and my blood to boil over things that my partner had to do on their own, that even if I could assist, they would have to do some personal work on their own to even get to a better position. That doing things for the other person is the wrong approach and that I have got to live by example and show the way out with how I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress into the critical mode, instead of encouraging the positive gifts and attributes of my partner and myself.

Thank you.

Anxiety - Day Twelve

I am striving for a state of nothingness, a completion of my meditative states. There is a lot of reasons for my mind to be chaotic right now, but I have learned lessons in the past about how to fight against the forces that once destabilized me. With enough practice I could be very good at it, but also like my skin has thickened and my head less agile with newer information. It's a gamble I'm willing to take because I am done feeling fleeting or unstable. The way to create a head without noise seems to involve changing some habits that I have done for too long, and it definitely has a lot to do with my love of music, and I have a newer solution to stop that dragging on for hours on end, and it has to do with information and film, to help divert myself. Many years ago we ditched our television set because it gave me a headache and now it's easier to pull up specific things to watch that match your interests. I'd say that since absorbing myself in some films and newer ideas for conversations and documentaries I don't feel pressured by anything except realizing that this is the way out. That the collective knowledge of our prominent intellectuals is helping this hypnosis go away and that is probably the only way we have at stopping this manufactured consent for anything that doesn't serve our interests or the planet's sustainability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be on cruise control with the flow of the people around me. That I didn't immediately know, or have a briefing society was mixed up and that I'd have to find a route out and that it's not as bad as it seems. The environment is not meant to be exploited and it can't sustain it, but in my particular realm I have done little to aid those in exploiting resources and human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that some methods of hypnosis were Ok. I felt mildly entertained and that it was harmless instead of diligently reading information to say, I am apart of the solution and not the problem. I can do what I can to help, I can exit my own programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I could have been spellbound, in ways I didn't understand and only through awareness of this could I overcome it. The awareness definitely comes from support but also research, though it's almost necessary to have peer support around so you know you aren't the only one.

Thank you.

Self-Importance - Day Eleven

I made it to a point of introspection and my partner offered me some insight, that my style of communication has a conceited tone to him, that I don't pick up on, but it allowed me to see myself and explain how I got to this point. I have had issues at being forceful over miscommunication, to the point I went above and beyond in explanation to make sure it didn't happen, and this occurred for various reasons, and a lot of it has to do with educational background. If I were to digress and say I am going to live without this, than it's a bit foggy, like I am relaxing my understanding to act a certain way and not be so assertive or thinking I need to be in control or even overbearing, to the point I think some of the people I have talked with sensed that I was describing an emergency. It still is quite a lot to unpack, but I am thinking about it better, that I have been isolated from normal conversations that there is more importance placed on the times I do speak, and even going over what I said, what they said. With Facebook being a medium I have had extensive practice at editing and perfecting my online identity and it seems I have got to reel in that fishing into the abyss out of the screen and into my physical surroundings. The other end of this is a level of narcissism I have picked up, that I have had to make myself important even when everything else suggests I am not. I had something to keep up with and it probably turned into deeper self-defense mechanisms that revolved around me creating my own world, my own dream to exist within, where other things that happened were outside of me, and didn't particularly involve me. Within this dream I created this identity but it wavers, it's not solid in real life because I don't associate that much with people on a daily basis and it's something I want to correct a bit, but because of being medicated it is hard to achieve. I simply lack the stamina for a whole day of interaction, and often prefer a dream I have created to having my bubble burst by people that aren't within my familiar zone of comfort. Basically what society generalizes in judgment I want nothing to do with, because in my care of others I do listen and tend to their needs. In some cases of being in a virtual relationship, there is always a point where some people would say they outgrew the other, but I think it has more to do with, I have offered all I can and unless you are under the same roof as me it's probably best for you to reach out to other people besides me.

I want to release this burden of being self-important, and realize that I am what I am, that somethings about my character are pretty hardwired, so I should focus on the acceptance of some attributes and strive towards correcting ones that are perceived without humility or without my sense of belonging to a situation or community of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that it was all about me, or us, my partner included. That so many things were of course signs and symbols that I was privileged to and without comparing myself to others, were pretty significant over real life issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that throughout university and everything else there has been some narcissistic and egotistical people that have rubbed off on me, that even if I was in opposition to their behaviors they did shape me in a way and I can't undo it so easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that my insistence on communicating was so important, reviewing my words over another and not leveling out and being one with the moment and connected to the other people I was engaged with. That is probably my most important thing I have learned recently is connection beats all else, to strive towards making that connection to another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a lot of strange things to be reasons for me being alive and what I am going to do. That I was being selected out of all of humanity to receive specific information that only I could interpret and that, that is pretty crazy in itself. Had I kept it more subtle I could have had a better grasp on reality and not suffered so intensely from schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overbearing and perfectionist, that I have made certain judgments on others simply because I couldn't rationalize their input into my formulas I created, that probably they had no problems talking with others in similar shoes, but all this knowledge and information I picked up caused me to say that's an iffy situation, not too sure I want to be friends or talk with this individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fact of not working on this area, that I was in it to take some thoughts for my own worldview and not be part of this world view. That in so many situations I could pause the moment, and tell myself to be objective and that this has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that in the future I am still prone to these habits and I have to break them down a bit so I can unpack this and see what I am willing to correct and just put myself out into real life situations more often so I have that reality check, that I am not just this dream I created.

Thank you.

My Resistance - Day Ten

I went through several lessons in the DIP Lite, as it was stating some of the same things I have been dealing with in compiling a daily blog, the resistance. I haven't got out a pen and paper to truly analyze my inner world, but the computer does a good enough job I could say. Where you can edit and perfect what you are saying about yourself. If I am to get to the root of this resistance, it has several points to it, and one important one being is this interesting, do people really care about this, would I get any feedback that could be helpful in the future. I think many people that have seen my blogs could be amazed that I tossed that out of my psyche into a blog without much thoughts in doing such, it just came naturally as I have been working on self-improvement many years, so a lot of topics about relationships and all this are definitely not foreign to me, I am not naive about basically psychotherapy. I have been involved with it a long time to learn about some very specific things like triggers to enabling and codependency. The idea that was presented to me in writing these thoughts on paper, is hard, like the physical act is not common for me. I know my keyboard more than I do a pen, it has been years since specifically using pen and paper more than a computer. One of the key things I need to focus on is slowing down. My brain has a habit of spinning at great speeds that it is hard to materialize into a solid foundation. There always seems to be things I am chasing but I don't know where it has got me. So today, I am focusing on slowing down my thought processes and also that I am up against a personal resistance, like maybe that is TMI, maybe it's not interesting, if I state that have I given up on what I was previously up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get swept up, to not ground myself and to overthink about my situation. That the voices I hear in my head are triggering and I don't need to do anything to feed them in destabilizing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I give up on a lot of things, even when I have the time on my hands to achieve better for myself. That I don't take a breath and really meditate on some important issues to get more intimate with my inner world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I do have serious resistance, that it's difficult to find my time for this and that it's a bit of procrastination. That this is actually one thing that is helping me, much better than psychotherapy because I am applying my situation into documents, and that eventually I need to grab a pen and paper and just review this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I have limited my time in a day. I feel in the summer, in hot temperatures there is a lot less hours in one day. I can't explain it precisely but in general the heat zaps me of focus, it frays my thoughts and I spend a lot of time figuring out how to not get upset or irritated at situations that really don't bother me at other times of the year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I went head first into territory I didn't read, that reading certain things was exhausting and therefore all things are exhausting. I think in that fatigue you really get behind in keeping up with daily life and taking time for yourself.

Thank you.

Dull - Day Nine

I've had a delay in composing these blogs, for a few reasons, one being that I didn't know what direction I was going with this, the other being that I have to nitpick through my bigger issues and break it down into daily ideas, and the other reason was that a lot went on this week which to me centered around my control and lack thereof. My partner is participating in a group and it didn't go as planned, the group never existed and it seems they are just starting this idea, so the agency that is providing drug and alcohol counseling just didn't have their stuff together which ended up with me getting overly invested in making phone calls for next week. To make sure it happens. The good news is my partner has been sober this whole time and is looking forward to the group instead of feeling that I forced it on him. There has been a release of a lot of negativity in the household and that is pretty good for my peace of mind. The idea to do this daily, is basically getting to be a thing I should do, but also it would probably make for some boring and mundane thoughts and feelings that I don't usually think of broadcasting. Also with the direction of my writings, I don't know enough about Desteni to say what I am up to and if I am following any real guidelines. Even now I am pretty doubtful that I grasp what I am doing here.

Instead of asking self-forgiveness today and I am going to say I am grateful for the peace we have reached in my household and that I am determined to know more about what I am doing with this, what direction I should go, what I should read up on.

Please let me know because I am pretty confused right now and just am feeling intellectually dull about putting personal thoughts and feelings on paper.

Edit - Yes, I have navigated myself into the DIP Lite course.

Medicated - Day Eight

In this post, I will tell you that I have been in a war over treatment of a condition no one can truly prove, and that understanding that I could choose an alternative route, my mentality, my mood and functionality have mutated with the substances I was given by doctors that at this moment I can say provided a crutch that I can't live without unless better technology figured out a new way. These wars you wouldn't have to think about the pros and cons over it without being diagnosed, or in some way, against your will even, being put on these medications. I have had to remove some people from Facebook as almost a source of constant criticism over the fact that I took them, and the realization that just like people are allergic to an antibiotic, there are people that have severe and horrific reactions to mood stabilizing drugs. There is no clear answer for not only is there stigma, there is systemic issues regarding patients, that are taken advantage of by negative leaders as though a polarity was created between life and death. That I have to fight these heavy moods in me on a daily basis to affirm myself as living and qualified to be me. Not only do people who aren't related to someone with these conditions not know much about it, the general population is left out of the loop. The world of psychiatry is an immense maze that few people are fully conscious of, that impacts everyone, even to be used as marketing propaganda for things as benign as products for a newborn infant. I must forgive myself that I take these medications, as almost like a weakness to some.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be such a huge problem and question for myself. That I was significantly altered permanently by these medications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger and hostility to rise up in me as the prescribers of these medications didn't fully get the pain and anguish I was going through. That I harbored resentment against them and against the condition itself, that I needed these medications that are so strong, part of my emotional awareness simply died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that too much time went by for me to realize these are the new cards I have to deal with and I can't romanticize about how life was before because I can't exactly put together what others are experiencing and if it's that much different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I had envy for the life around me, that other people were experiencing a greater simplicity than me, that I wish I could do, wish I could be ignorant of this, and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this new realm of psychiatry was so complex, I wasted time by not researching at the appropriate times, that I have done so much research into so many other areas of social life, and that I realize that in the end it paid off.  I know the games being played on society and I am far removed from being distracted or hypnotized by things a lot of people consider normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed strange "fr-enemies" to constantly criticize me over the medications in ever more artful and creative ways. That these gurus didn't know what they were dealing with fully and that I would never act like them to anyone with mental illness understanding full well how sensitive the issue is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed doctors, trained professionals, to dehumanize me, to take away civil rights, to do things that people that know nothing about this can't even fathom the abuses that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be critical of my own condition, that I have weighed pros and cons, gone off and on medications in so many experiments, only to realize that I have basically mutated to needing these substances for focus and functionality. That I can't just toss them away, and that they aren't easy to deal with. Like hearing it's a matter of strength, that I am not masculine enough because I am addicted to pills, wherein fact those people really need to read about before saying anything about them.

Thank you.

Non-Sexual Adulthood - Day Seven

This has been on my mind, that there comes a point in being an observer of life the truth about sexual contact is diminished to distancing oneself to the bigger picture, understanding that attraction intellectually is preferable to blind lust for another, as that lust is merely for connection to those very sources of intellectual fervor. This is one of those giant problems in society and in the individual's mind. It consumes many matters in life from puberty until an equilibrium is reached in adulthood. There is merely too much going on intellectually to divorce myself from in order to chase after matters of the flesh. The point being it's not rewarding, there is a warmer love in life that isn't part of this, that is subtle and requires thought and connection on a higher spiritual plane that the concept of meshing so many boundaries, breaking a strict code of conduct for sexual contact is an error. There is so many matters that weigh heavily on those who make it to adulthood, that make understanding this concept so much easier. That intimacy is to gain closure with a connection to a host of intellectual sources and that this gratification is highly temporary and full of vulnerabilities, that the true person I am, doesn't come out of the closet in this way. The person that I am comes out in my thoughts and actions. I don't say this is it, that's the only way to think, but from experience, I too am vulnerable to repeating this, that I may some day in the future lose self-control and attempt this again, for any number of reasons. I am not immune. It is cast as sin, in the biblical sense, but in my sense as an effort I am unwilling to compromise my mind for. These are the matters that bring young men and women to Catholic confessionals or to a life devoted to God. That they are clearly wrong, something biologically is tormenting them and that obviously Christianity is clear in that message that I must overcome this, the members of my body must all act in accordance with the will of God and until then, I am offensive to him. It's the same as setting goals for exercise to lose weight, I am not socially acceptable unless I get to be thin through endurance and determination. Are the people around me willing to do that, for I know I am not willing to endure a series of exercises on a daily basis to achieve a better look. But what I can do, and what most likely the easiest answer is, is to see the problem within myself and stop my desires by knowing the simple truth, that attraction to me is for my mind and I am not a vampire, to give into indulgences of the flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to go on for so long, that I have made commitments before and broke them. That there is so much distortion in society to get to an answer. That this is personal for every individual and my closure may not be what others think about the issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in youth to engage in this behavior, that I didn't lay out an objective and say I will master this in so many years through endurance just as if I had a goal for the gym, to lay it out, and become the master of my body within so much time, that determination is what I lacked, and I forgive myself for not having the clear focus and endurance before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ideas in society to determine or aid me in my own sin, as comparisons and reasons to not always seek perfection or diligence in my ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this may not be the full answer, that there is much to learn and I can't stagnate over the reasons I screwed up before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that the answers by elders over these issues weren't taken to heart, that I had a wild mind that I could create my own system, my own religion, my own governance that was better, that I could be a source for others to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be on offense, that separated me from God, separated me from a clearer consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this truth to be distorted in me, just as the rest of society, weighing all these matters and not getting to the root of who I am on the individual level. That these issues are mine alone and that others can work out what they must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be a hindrance and confusion. That I am loved for who I am by so many people, that I must respect that and keep this on the down-low that I have dealt with this, that I have screwed up and am imperfect, that I can't guarantee it won't happen again, and that I must always accept myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to influence my behaviors and conception of this, and that I also must exercise sensitive care with this matter, to anyone that may ask it of me. It's not so simple, and is probably one of the greatest problems within society, that once again goes down to me as an individual, that I can say it stopped within me and that it's not an overnight project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I counted myself as separate or that I had an exceptional clause because my mind had a lot on it's plate. So many reasons that I can't even get to at the moment. That this is one issue that allows me to delve into my deeper and more personal problems.

Thank you.