Medicated - Day Eight

In this post, I will tell you that I have been in a war over treatment of a condition no one can truly prove, and that understanding that I could choose an alternative route, my mentality, my mood and functionality have mutated with the substances I was given by doctors that at this moment I can say provided a crutch that I can't live without unless better technology figured out a new way. These wars you wouldn't have to think about the pros and cons over it without being diagnosed, or in some way, against your will even, being put on these medications. I have had to remove some people from Facebook as almost a source of constant criticism over the fact that I took them, and the realization that just like people are allergic to an antibiotic, there are people that have severe and horrific reactions to mood stabilizing drugs. There is no clear answer for not only is there stigma, there is systemic issues regarding patients, that are taken advantage of by negative leaders as though a polarity was created between life and death. That I have to fight these heavy moods in me on a daily basis to affirm myself as living and qualified to be me. Not only do people who aren't related to someone with these conditions not know much about it, the general population is left out of the loop. The world of psychiatry is an immense maze that few people are fully conscious of, that impacts everyone, even to be used as marketing propaganda for things as benign as products for a newborn infant. I must forgive myself that I take these medications, as almost like a weakness to some.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be such a huge problem and question for myself. That I was significantly altered permanently by these medications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger and hostility to rise up in me as the prescribers of these medications didn't fully get the pain and anguish I was going through. That I harbored resentment against them and against the condition itself, that I needed these medications that are so strong, part of my emotional awareness simply died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that too much time went by for me to realize these are the new cards I have to deal with and I can't romanticize about how life was before because I can't exactly put together what others are experiencing and if it's that much different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I had envy for the life around me, that other people were experiencing a greater simplicity than me, that I wish I could do, wish I could be ignorant of this, and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this new realm of psychiatry was so complex, I wasted time by not researching at the appropriate times, that I have done so much research into so many other areas of social life, and that I realize that in the end it paid off.  I know the games being played on society and I am far removed from being distracted or hypnotized by things a lot of people consider normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed strange "fr-enemies" to constantly criticize me over the medications in ever more artful and creative ways. That these gurus didn't know what they were dealing with fully and that I would never act like them to anyone with mental illness understanding full well how sensitive the issue is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed doctors, trained professionals, to dehumanize me, to take away civil rights, to do things that people that know nothing about this can't even fathom the abuses that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be critical of my own condition, that I have weighed pros and cons, gone off and on medications in so many experiments, only to realize that I have basically mutated to needing these substances for focus and functionality. That I can't just toss them away, and that they aren't easy to deal with. Like hearing it's a matter of strength, that I am not masculine enough because I am addicted to pills, wherein fact those people really need to read about before saying anything about them.

Thank you.