I had a delay but it was because I was dealing with a personal disappointment, but now that it is over I have a topic fresh in my mind that I could cover. It's two ends of a spectrum that I would call <put together vs being a mess> or even <on the surface vs underground>. In all these personal battles I have had with my partner there is a time for everything. What I know to be right is to build on the positives, create a better reality by promoting the gifts of another over criticizing their faults. To me it is personal with this mental illness hovering about me that some doctors before medications called "writhing in agony" that it was an idea for every time I become a mess with myself, a problem has arisen, something I couldn't foresee and this makes it much more easier to see faults and disappointment and focus on criticizing myself and others for these deficits. In a moment of giving advice I realize the term put yourself together was what I needed to hear but didn't know that every time I put myself together I am on the surface, I am capable of being of assistance, and slowly with enough practice that is my advice. Rationalize your issues, put them in perspective and move on. It wasn't easy to get there and I see it in some of the groups that people are truly suffering with nothing to grab hold of, and it's hard to explain what they need to do to get it together because it's real, the pain is real.
With my partner I want to get across that I am going to promote the best, that I want to congratulate them on a job well done, or doing a program to make them a better person. But when they fall apart, it could ricochet for me to fall apart and quickly go back underground where there is no light to show the way out and you have to again struggle and fight just to get back to where you were, but I realize with practice it gets easier and the problems and issues we had get explained. In considering others that don't deal with this, they have a hardwired purpose about their way, and for us that have questioned ourselves we don't claim we know the best purpose, it's more like an evolving situation that we can witness and even participate in by watching the flow that humanity is going which is better than going to them and claiming something that is a foretold notion or anything that can be perceived as crazy, so most people understand to keep it to themselves. So this is about the struggle, the grabbing hold of real things, tangible things to stay on top of yourself, that I have to forgive myself the trouble it caused to undermine the stability of my partner and myself for this critique of deficits and faults.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed you to think I was giving up on you when actually I have nothing better to do than wait for you to stand on your own feet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hostile angry shouting to come out of me at everything I deemed wrong and not smart, that I get too involved and that my feelings are less important because I am more adaptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I am capable of making irrational decisions, that I don't have it all together myself, and that I can use my knowledge as ammunition, when actually I am trying to be encouraging, it's just not the appropriate time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient, that I have thought how life is easier when I am thinking only about myself. There is nothing that demanding that I would leave anyone behind, but as the walk of nature, there is things that I am not going to dive into.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that my advice was better than people trained academically in addiction recovery. That I felt I had a better grasp of what to do before doing some research to understand it's a long term problem that won't be easy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that at times it feels like I am performing a long term assisted suicide that could be twenty years. That it was so grim it felt like that was the goal was to just feel hopeless there was a future to believe in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my temper and my blood to boil over things that my partner had to do on their own, that even if I could assist, they would have to do some personal work on their own to even get to a better position. That doing things for the other person is the wrong approach and that I have got to live by example and show the way out with how I live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress into the critical mode, instead of encouraging the positive gifts and attributes of my partner and myself.
Thank you.
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