I remember a quote by John Lennon, "the more real you become, the more unreal the world becomes." I am inside that at the moment, for reasons of commonality with others. Sometimes we are looking for things to agree on, to appease each other and show support, but sometimes you have to exit this scenario and be who you are, to not put on a facade. I think I have a lot of inadequacies in this department, and I want to say it's because I am a late bloomer in understanding the ego versus selflessness, or going out of my way to be hospitable to people who could care less. I am just reminded that other people that I would fear because I am disturbed to be manipulated most of the time are coming clean that their behaviors weren't healthy, and I was a victim of being used in such a way, that my hospitality was being an enabler to their vices and what vices do I have and why do I need them. In laying down this argument, I am getting into the teachings of Jesus and letting go of people who plot and scheme wicked things. After the age of thirty it has been dwindling away to have the kinda excitement for some fun, to even stay up that late. I was never an addict, but four years ago I stopped consuming alcohol, making it maybe four times a year. My mental illness did not allow being hindered in anyway from any chemicals that excite the brain, except coffee of course. I can't seem to let go of coffee.
What I am getting at is that I have a more grounded approach and I feel the benefits of it while driving around or seeing young kids hanging out that I am their elder, that I have been through that, and it was a confusing time and if I had a child it would be totally different for them. I've thought of my ideas in being a teacher to the youth, from the lessons I had in life and in college, I would run them through those stages quickly, as a tutor. What I wish that I had or what I missed out on, is the idea of having friendships in my locality with people. Now I can say a lot of people are in a rat race and I am not participating in that because it put a spell on me before and it was a struggle to get away from it. So maybe in exclusion I can say, I am avoiding this drama, this state of existence and I have my eyes out for competency. That I need a stable word or two now and again when leaving the home to have my reality check with the society I live in and there is enough people offering their presence throughout this village and that is something to go on. That there is a sense of control and I am not obligated to help in it, it is there to appreciate.
In short all I ask forgiveness for myself from is not understanding that this was offered to me before, I had it, but I lost it to my madness with schizophrenia and it's time to let go in thinking of myself as a catalyst affecting that many people. It's delusional for me to pretend I am having that much impact on the life around me and that this meddling with being over controlling isn't healthy, and what else, is being selfless, offering kindness when other people don't care.
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